tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3690463877766306252024-02-07T04:33:37.309-07:00Adventures of a HousewifeMy journey to find joy in all situationsMeggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.comBlogger163125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-63368137617488311972017-10-27T00:06:00.000-06:002017-10-27T10:46:36.471-06:00Of bluntness and misunderstandingsOnce again I'm tossing and turning in my bed and I can't seem to sleep. And here I am at my keyboard desperate to get the hurt and frustration out. I find solace in writing. I can express myself and be real and people don't have to agree, but I can have a valid opinion because I'm just writing. I usually don't have a argument or real huge point to get across. My writing is usually just a jumble of my heart put into words. <br />
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The cycle of how I am perceived continues. My whole life I have been the person who speaks too bluntly and then hurts people's feelings and then I have to humble myself and work through how I was experienced by the other person. Sometimes it ends well. Sometimes not so well.<br />
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When I was a little girl, I was asked to leave a home school group because I was just too blunt. In another home school group, instead of working out the problems, a family left because of me. My best friends in 5th grade ganged up on me during a school carnival to tell me how much they didn't like me and how I needed to act different-- that was the last time I spent any time with those girls. In 7th grade my new best friend and I had a falling out because I was too aggressive-- I vividly remember sitting in my bedroom and talking it through with both of our moms. It was the first time I was able to work through a real difficult situation rather than just separate from whoever was having difficulty with me. (She is still my closest sister friend; the lifelong person who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, has my back.) In the early years of marriage, when I was working in youth ministry, two leaders invited me to have coffee and then picked me apart for my passion that was perceived as aggression -- so much so that I fled from the house sobbing and never worked with youth again. Those stories are just a few, I have had people misunderstand my motives my whole life.<br />
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The catch to all this is, so often people will say to me that they are so refreshed at my truth, my ability to not hold back, my honesty. The same people that have complimented me, have turned around and told me how I am too blunt, brash, hurtful, not caring, don't have a heart... you get the picture.<br />
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The thing is, I'm in process. As a little girl, I sure wish the other parent's would have used those moments to help me grow. As a 5th grader, I wish the girls would have been nicer and asked for help to work through our issues. As a young adult, I wish the other leaders would have seen my heart and not attacked me. As a woman, I wish conflict would be handled thinking the highest and best of me-- to know that I love deeply and have grown so much-- to remember that I have wisdom and I am not shooting my mouth off.<br />
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I also know I'm a judger, I don't have a load of grace for myself or for you, and I don't always say things at the best of moments. And yet, I am miles ahead of where I was when I was younger. Nate's death brought about so much good in my life-- I love deeper, see the value in people, I do have compassion (believe it or not, but my compassion was about at 1% before Nate died) for other people's life experiences, and to know that just because I feel so strongly about something doesn't make me right; it just makes me have strong feelings. I do recognize when I am wrong and take accountability for it-- I apologize just in case I've hurt you, your dog, your sister, your husband. I humble myself and take the hit and usually I don't get a thank you or an apology back and usually that's ok. More than anything, I love Jesus. I filter almost everything I do through my relationship with Jesus. Do I always, no. Sometimes, it is after I have said or done something, and yet, I still have a heart to grow and to change and to learn.<br />
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This boldness I carry sucks. I wish I could just sit back and watch the world and not say a word. I wish I was just always warm and friendly and could stay a surface friend-- at least right now I wish it, because it really hurts to feel deeply and be hurt-- it goes that much deeper. I wish that even though I am bold, people understood that my feelings matter too. I get hurt. I spend days crying when there is a crack in a friendship. I carry the emotions on my face, my heart, my hands.<br />
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Edit: I have had reconciliation with the two youth worker ladies I mentioned-- it took a few years, but we have had an understanding of hearts and we love each other. Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-7344569658770502742017-08-17T16:17:00.000-06:002017-08-17T16:17:59.855-06:00Changing SeasonLife is changing again. It always seems to do that once I'm quite comfortable. We have two kids in school this year. I can't hardly believe it! My baby is going to be in afternoon kindergarten. It reminds me that there is a season for everything-- our toddler season is done. We have two kids now. Wow, weird to say that!! I'm so excited to send them both off into school this year. I know my son will take care of my daughter and I know this will be a monumental year for our family. I can just feel it. <br />
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I had intended to work this year and start to be a productive and earning member of our family, but that hasn't worked out. So, I'm going to relax and enjoy the season of having a few hours every afternoon to myself. I have been dealing with chronic fatigue for a while now and I have gotten some very good solutions from the 5th doctor I went to and I am starting to actually feel alive again-- I don't have to drink 3 cups of espresso first thing in the morning anymore!! I am actually sleeping through the night!! I've been told that maybe just maybe my body will now start to lose weight as the issues I've been having have inhibited me from that. But, honestly, if I don't, I'll be happy to just be able to make it through each day without feeling like I need a nap or an espresso or both. <br />
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While my children are growing and learning all the things they need, I'm going to do a few things! First is self care. I'm going to start going to yoga again. I'm going to nap if I need to. I'm going to create-- art, write, sew. <br />
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I'm going to be purposeful with my time. I want to have coffee dates with friends every day all day long, but that leaves me tired, feeling like I haven't accomplished anything, and usually I don't have dinner even thought of! So, I'm going to give myself a schedule and stick to it. I love hanging with friends, but not if I can't do all thing I need to do for my family. I need to give them my first. <br />
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I'm going to clean. I mean, I'm going to take each room and deep clean it. I'm going to scrub grout, wash walls, get those dust bunnies and cob webs from summer-- I'm going to make sure this house actually looks the way I want it to! I use to be a really awesome housekeeper-- that is before I had a million things to do and kids to mess it up. I know I still have a million things to do and kids to mess it up, but those precious hours everyday are going to go a long way for me to have some sanity and some dust free living. But, really, I'm not going to do this until it is probably October-- let's not get too crazy too soon!<br />
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Really though, I want to enjoy this new season. I know I could be sad that Amelia is growing (and a part of me is)-- what I really want is to be happy with her-- that she gets to go and do this new thing. She's a big kid now. I'm happy for her. I'm happy our family has survived this thing call life. I am glad we can be together and be happy. I can't wait to find out what it is to be a person again and not just a stay at home mom. These last 10 years have been so rewarding and so rich and I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I am tired, I'm ready to feel like a woman again and not just a caretaker. <br />
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So, here's to the next chapter in life called Elementary school! Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-84612330494926160172016-12-08T17:22:00.001-07:002016-12-08T17:22:45.814-07:00Christmas Time againIt's been a little over a month and things have been easier and harder in different ways. I really have been held up by my friends and family and getting through the first holiday of the season was way less difficult than I had expected. It is never easy to be apart during culturally designated family times, but it was nice to spend time together with my mom and dad, kids, new sister and family friends.<br />
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Now enter Christmas time. I really have been dreading it. Since last year was full of expectation of Caleb coming home right before Christmas, we tried to save things for once he got home and cram a whole holiday season into just 5 days. This year he's really and truly gone for the whole holiday season and so we put up the tree without him, have listened to copious amounts of Christmas music without him, bought and wrapped gifts alone, and I have spent many a night sitting in my bed watching stupid Christmas movies all the while alone (or mostly alone, Amelia sure hasn't figure out how to actually go to bed without getting up about 15 times). It's snowing and I am shoveling the drive (or Cole) and lighting the fire in the fireplace. <br />
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I am a little overwhelmed with the financial difficulty of living on such a smaller budget-- all the while knowing that Christmas is partly about giving gifts and not knowing where we are going to come up with the money to cover those gifts. A check from a dear family friend/Uncle comes in the mail and whoosh, Christmas is paid for. <br />
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I fell last week and hurt my foot, and after hearing that I have had chronic heel pain, my dad paid for me to get my foot adjusted (fixed) and get orthotics for inside my shoes-- and guess what, not only is the injury better, but my feet DON'T hurt. They have hurt for years and most of the time I've had to sleep with them elevated and my heels not touching anything to have relief-- then I hobble out of bed every morning. All of those issue are going away!!!! <br />
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Last weekend, while I'm paying the bills, I realize that I had forgotten to tithe last month-- the tithing thing-- a necessary discipline of Christian living. To give God our first fruits is something we have done our whole marriage and it is just usually something I do right away, but for some reason I pushed it off, and I realized I needed to make up a lot of giving. So, mortgage and tithe were the Dec 1 paycheck. But then, a letter from the Power Company saying a large credit has been placed on our account from another Uncle.<br />
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My sister (in law) came to me and said we have an ipad you can have for the kids-- and you know what, it's not even an old one! <br />
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Then to top off the month, each and every day I've been getting a surprise on my doorstep as an advent calendar-- and I'm not talking about little stuff-- today I got a beautiful floral arrangement in an awesome tea/coffee pot (and I collect those, so these Christmas elves sure do know their stuff). <br />
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Every time I think I just don't know if I can survive another day by myself with the hole of loneliness growing ever larger, God shows up through people in amazing ways. I am fully taken care of and it is so good to see. The community of people who love me and have carried me in all ways-- emotionally, financially, babysitting, making me meals, inviting me over to hang out, pouring me a glass of wine or beer, bringing me coffee... the list can go on and on. I am blessed. I am honored to live among such people.<br />
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I knew I wanted to make Christmas special for Caleb and by asking our family, he's going to be getting care packages from all over the country-- what an amazing way to love me by loving him-- I often forget that he's just as lonely as I am and by giving him a little holiday cheer, it'll keep him going!! <br />
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For the actual Christmas weekend, we are going to a cabin and there's going to be lots of joy because my brother is going to be home. If I can't have my hubby, I am happy to have my brother. <br />
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So, I guess this is the check in-- I'm doing well. I have a gnawing loneliness that won't go away until Caleb is home and next to me, but I'm OK. I'm not self sufficient-- I need those around me to help carry me and how thankful I am that I am being carried. <br />
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PS I am really excited to start getting a normal paycheck again... I guess I didn't realize how well we were paid until we have had to live on less. Also, it's been good to learn to live on less-- even if it is slightly stressful at times! Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-15139532450706221392016-11-01T15:59:00.000-06:002016-11-01T16:02:17.098-06:00The ThankfulnessSo I don't feel like being thankful. Lately I have been sinking. I can feel it. I know when things just aren't right and I know how I act and I know what I do. I don't have a lot of self care going right now and that needs to change. I am going to take baths (even if I feel like a giant squeezed into a tiny doll tub) and I'm going to use those birthday gift cards for massages, and I'm going to paint, because honestly feel like bitching and complaining and giving in to the frustration of this season of life and that would translate into mass amounts of tv and sleeping every moment I can, and taking care of kids needs but not their hearts. I do however know that while that makes me feel better to give in to the darkness for about 32 seconds, it's not beneficial to me or anyone I am spewing my sadness all over... so I am going to be thankful AND I'm going to give myself a bed time. <br />
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November is all about warm apple cider, celebrating our vets, the crisp smell of fallen leaves, rain storms at night, the giggles of kids splashing in puddles or jumping in piles of leaves. It's about Thanksgiving-- the meal, the family time, the parade, the mulled wine, the puzzles or games. It is a terrific time of year and it really is one of my favorites. I love being outside in summer, but something happens when it's cool and brisk and I can see all the colors of the season from my sun room, yet I can be cozy under a blanket. There's something magic about being cozy and reading a book or sipping on coffee from the comfort of my house. I think I also just really love the permission to sit around and be cozy that Autumn affords to me. <br />
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So, I am going to be thankful. I am going to relish all the really wonderful things about my life and do my best at taking care of the daily grind items without a huge complaint. I want to be a person who sees beauty in life.<br />
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I also know I've been needy and I hate having to ask for help, but as I sense myself slipping into the darkness, I realize I need some extra prayers and some extra help. I am overwhelmed with the yard and I am overwhelmed with my fall house cleaning-- you know the extra stuff that has to get done before winter really hits. If you want to help me, I'll be doing a big push at fall yard clean up on November 19 from 1-4 and would love help. I will need help with raking, putting yard stuff away, cleaning up my garden, cleaning the gutters, pruning my giant vines and small maple tree in the front yard. I have some rakes and I'll have bags, but I don't have anything to prune trees with. If anyone else would like to come and help me dust, do baseboards, deep clean bathrooms, wash summer hand prints off walls and windows, I would gladly appreciate the help. I feel like I should be able to do it all and it's really hard to realize that I am just not there. I just can't. If I spend all my energy on the tasks I know I won't have anything to give to my kids who are struggling so much with their dad being away. <br />
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So, there you have it. I am being vulnerable in a way that is hard for me. Thanks for reading and thanks for continuing on in the journey with me. Life is beautiful even when it seems hard to get through each moment. Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-46768886235959336832016-09-23T21:21:00.000-06:002016-09-23T21:21:19.858-06:00The stuff is falling apartSo the thing about this time away from Caleb is that the different things in my life feel the weakness... like the electronics (the computer decided to give me a horrible blue screen of death and it won't work at all anymore and the bluray player won't play blurays anymore) and the washing machine (won't go from the wash cycle to the rinse cycle unless I open the lid and slam it down again) and the door bell (which technically broke while Caleb was here, but as he didn't get around to fixing it, it's mine to figure out) and the dog (who is chewing up everything again-- she's almost 1, what the heck!), and the car (the battery died and I can't get it out of the garage to jump it on my own).... I wonder what the next thing will be, because there will be a next thing. I know it. It's like the law, if the man is gone, the stuff breaks or doesn't work or freaks out. <br />
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Tomorrow's to do: call every bill we have and try to find the user names and passwords (and hope they're not just in Caleb's name, because even though we are married and I just want to pay the dang bills, they probably won't let me), take the car battery out of the car and take it to the battery shop and re-charge it, take the computer into Best Buy and get the pictures that weren't saved put onto the external hard drive, go to a soccer game, get a huge coffee, cry a little, break up fights between the dog and the girl, the girl and the boy and the boy and the neighbor kids (because let's face it, my kids like to fight), look at my house and wonder if it really needs to be cleaned, because for heaven's sake, it's just going to get messy again, and cleaning for just 3 people isn't really worth it. Then, after all that, I'll probably try to do something that looks like food making (but, honestly, it'll be pot pies or corn dogs or dino chicken nuggets-- we've got options around here), then I'll try to convince my kids that bathing is really a good thing, we will all try to go to sleep alone, but then I'll end up having one or both kids sleeping next to me and I'll think to myself, one more day done. <br />
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Happy weekend everyone.Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-7035266410675266432016-09-21T20:03:00.002-06:002016-09-21T20:03:53.326-06:00Rainy EveningSo I've been hoping for the weather to change for the past few weeks. I think it feels like Caleb will be home sooner if we have fall weather-- it just means that there is one less season between us. Anyways, today it feels like fall arrived. The first trees to turn have become all sorts of oranges and yellows. The air carries a frosty feel in the morning and while Jack has yet to visit, I'm sure he'll be here soon making all the grass blades white and the windshield need a scrape. I love the cool night air and warmish afternoon-- making it almost impossible to decide clothing for the whole day-- so I guess I get to wear a couple of outfits. Fine by me. It's the walking weather where you don't sweat, soccer games on Saturdays, and no need to run the heater or the a/c. It's the magical time of year where you can be lazy and not feel too bad, because if it's raining, the best way to enjoy is by sitting with a cup of tea and a good book all while snuggled into a nice warm blanket. Also, the grass still needs to be watered, but when it rains in the fall, that chore is done by God. I usually lament the end of summer. I usually feel a sad melancholy at the end of a nice warm season-- but not this year. This year I am looking forward to each new red leaf, each harvest party, pumpkin everything, and all things fall. Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-19918898274354257172016-09-14T23:54:00.000-06:002016-09-14T23:54:03.323-06:00How rich I amToday is special for me. It is my birthday. I know everyone gets one each year and to each person, those birthdays are special. I hope I am able to make other people feel special on their birthdays the way I have been hugely blessed today on my birthday.<br />
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I was feeling bummed out that for the second year in a row my husband is gone over my birthday. It just feels like insult to injury when we have to do another special day without him. He's already missed so much this year-- our anniversary, the end of summer, the kid's first day of school-- and all the little things, like 3 lost teeth, a burst ear drum, camping trip in McCall, bbqs, ever growing children. In all, he will miss a lot more-- many growth spurts, lots of sick-children-sleepless-nights, the last years of toddlerhood, 2 Thanksgivings, Christmas, New Years, season changes... Well, you get the idea. A lot of things happens when you're gone from your house for 11ish months out of 24. Today was something I was dreading. I'm usually stoked about my birthday. I love to celebrate, but there's just something sad to me about celebrating when my partner isn't there.<br />
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My village rallied.<br />
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First thing this morning, my daughter got up to find me and in her sleepy, messy hair, pj voice said, 'happy birthday, momma.' My son made me coffee and gave me not only his hand made gift, but $2 in quarters, and 2 pieces of gum. He also wrapped gifts from Caleb and had them all ready for me when I went into the kitchen. My mom made today so extraordinarily special. I don't even know how to say thank you. Caleb sent me gifts that spanned the whole day and ended with a dozen long stem red roses. My girlfriends shared a much needed girls night out full of popcorn, laughter, almazing food, drinks, and cheesecake. I got notes and gifts from the heart.<br />
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I am going to bed alone again, but my heart is so full. I feel so cared for and loved. I am so thankful for the people in my life.<br />
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When I was a child, making friends was so difficult for me. Mom and I prayed that God would bring friends into my life. I know He is still answering that prayer, as the relationship I have are so life giving. I may live in a small green house, drive older cars, and live on a budget, but I am truly rich.Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-40437511711302819712016-08-29T23:17:00.001-06:002016-08-29T23:17:42.081-06:00Stay at home momSo I know I'm a stay at home mom and that means I've got loads of time on my hands to just sit around and watch tv and eat bon bons (this is what Caleb likes to say anyways). And, while that might be true if I was a stay at home mom with a nanny, I'm not. Shocker. <br />
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I'm the kind of mom who stays at home and takes care of all the little and big stuff and pays the bills, and wipes tears and butts, and tries in vain to clean the house, and buys the clothes for the ever growing kids, and opens mail (and tosses it), and gets the groceries (putting them away too!), and plans the play dates (because that's what we do to get some sanity-- we drink coffee or beer/wine with other moms and call it a date for the kids) I'm counselor, fight referee, cook, baker, taxi and honestly I work my butt off to keep things running. I also get kisses and snuggles and lots of love. But, even that can make me tired (come on, haven't they heard of personal space!). <br />
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Right now I'm so, so tired. If you want to take my kids for the afternoon/evening/weekend, feel free to ask, I'll let you! If you want me to watch your kids for the afternoon/evening/weekend please refrain until my life is less tiring. I love helping my friends, but seriously, I can't. I'm not there right now. It's my turn to ask and I need you just to understand that. <br />
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So, come over in the evening with beer and a movie or coffee in the morning and give me a hug and be there. <br />
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That's it for now. Thanks for loving me. <br />
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<br />Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-57196504328080739372016-08-22T17:34:00.002-06:002016-08-22T17:37:06.741-06:00Responsibilities and stuffSo this new adventure of being a sorta single mom has given me much more responsibility. So much more. I know it's kind of the same as last year and the time before that and the time before that... I mean he has been gone several times before this current situation and it's probably going to happen again.. It happens. They say jump and we jump. It just always feel a little like a slap when I realize I have to do it all by myself. I don't do outside stuff... so raking this fall is going to be a group effort (you know who you are and you know I'm going to ask you!) and sorry to all my neighbors about the weeds that are now taller than my baby peach tree. I did try to weed a few weeks ago and I just decided once again, I don't like it and I don't really care that it looks like a jungle. I think it's got a nice "natural" feel to. Also, sweeping is probably for people who like to go barefoot in the house and I've decided I'm no longer one of those people. I like my flip flops. So, come in, don't look too closely at the floor, and wear your shoes. I'll make coffee. I'm really good at making coffee-- espresso, french press, cold brew, drip-- I've got choices for you if you come over. <br />
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The people in my life-- those who are going to come and rake-- are the most wonderful supportive people, who would step in and help me whatever the situation is. I am blown away at the people who surround me and my children. From family and friends to church family and neighbors-- I don't know why Hillary Clinton got some much crap for saying it takes a village to raise a child-- because let me tell you, I need every single person in my village to help me raise my children right now and I'm so grateful for the help!! And, no, I'm not in love with Hillary or anything-- but sometimes there are treasures in garbage-- just saying.<br />
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I really want to take this time and grow. I've been thinking about how and what and where and with what time and all of those factors and I'm thinking I need to really start to write again. I mean, really write. I don't think this tiny little blog is going to be the venue, although, I'm not opposed to it. I just think that having a blog, you need to say things that are going to touch people where they are at and I'm not sure I'm able to write a lot of deep or meaningful things. I just need to write though. I feel like all the words in me need to get out and I'm not even sure what I need to say, but there it is-- I need to write. I don't need to watch TV or mess around on Facebook. I just need to create. I miss the research and the formatting and the figuring out sentence structure and I love it all. <br />
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I also really need to get myself ready for early morning and waking up before the sun and rousing kids from their warm comfortable nests to cast them into the cold morning for school... I'm so looking forward to school, but why can't school start at 10. I think all good things don't need to start until 10. I mean, the first movie showing isn't until 10:30 usually-- if we aren't awake enough to go to an early morning movie, why are we suppose to wake up early and go to school or work or anything else? This is my night owl coming out, can you tell? I just need to psych myself up for it. I can do it. I can adult. I just don't always like to. Like dinner-- EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Really? can we just eat dinner like 2 times a week and an apple the rest of the time? But seriously, can we?<br />
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Alright. So, here's the end of the miscellaneous post. Not a whole lot said, but my snark is out, which means I'm doing ok. Missing my man, wishing for less responsibilities, thankful for those of you who are standing with me and loving me through this season. <br />
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<br />Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-5370692755175024172016-08-19T13:04:00.000-06:002016-08-19T13:04:49.487-06:00Being alone yet always surroundedLife is delicious and bitter all at the same time. Right now I feel like it's a little more bitter, but sure does have some beauty in it. My heartbeat is on the other side of the world and while there are many who have gone before me, this is my first time to let go for so long and trust God to take care of him.<br />
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My life now consists of lots of snuggles from kids -- the kind where I rarely get alone time. A sleeping child is in my bed almost every night. The sweet breathing into their father's pillow at night brings them such comfort as they navigate the world without their daddy's constant presence. How can I say no? To deprive them of a comfort to sleep well-- that is just silly. So, instead of getting the queen bed to myself, I'm now sleeping on the edge while they are spread eagle! My need for space will surely be taken care of once they feel secure in this new life we are creating the three of us.<br />
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There is a freedom that comes with not needing to make meals at a certain time, the ability to lounge around all morning in my PJs because there's no need to do anything for a timetable of daddy coming home. This is a joy for me. It brings me back to my childhood of homeschooling-- to not have a set schedule is what can give me so much happiness.<br />
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The school schedule will also surely give me some needed joy-- no more arguing with me or each other. Watching young minds grow and stretch makes me feel so satisfied. I love, love seeing learning.<br />
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Each step forward brings a beautiful moment in time that is captured only now. The sting of my love missing these moments makes me want to keep time standing still. How do I enjoy the moment and wish for it to go by fast in order to bring him home? <br />
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To see the beauty and bitterness together and embrace it. That is my goal.Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-83852783668345753092016-01-18T23:37:00.001-07:002016-01-18T23:37:14.974-07:00What is this 30's thingOnce again, it's late at night and I cannot sleep. The swirl of thoughts in my head prevents me from resting.<div>
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The verse I keep coming back to is Ecclesiastes 3: </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">There is a time</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-17361A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-17361A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">for everything,</span></span></div>
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<span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and a season for every activity under the heavens:</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-2" id="en-NIV-17362" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">2 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to be born and a time to die,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-2" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time to plant and a time to uproot,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-17362B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-17362B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-3" id="en-NIV-17363" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">3 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to kill<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-17363C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-17363C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> and a time to heal,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-3" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time to tear down and a time to build,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-4" id="en-NIV-17364" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">4 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to weep and a time to laugh,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-4" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time to mourn and a time to dance,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-5" id="en-NIV-17365" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">5 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-5" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-6" id="en-NIV-17366" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">6 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to search and a time to give up,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-6" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time to keep and a time to throw away,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-7" id="en-NIV-17367" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">7 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to tear and a time to mend,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-7" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time to be silent<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-17367D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-17367D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> and a time to speak,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Eccl-3-8" id="en-NIV-17368" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">8 </span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span>a time to love and a time to hate,</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Eccl-3-8" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">a time for war and a time for peace.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">11 </span>He has made everything beautiful in its time.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-17371G" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-17371G" title="See cross-reference G">G</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> He has also set eternity in the human heart.</span></div>
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These verses have carried me through so many situations in my life-- I remember discovering it when I was about 12-- an age that doesn't fully understand what life even is. I found the idea of living life and embracing the moment to be so complex; at that point in my life, I just wanted to be 16. However, it had been the set of verses to hold me steady through life. To know that there is a season to this great and beautiful life we are given is huge to me. So much so that I have a tattoo of a tree changing seasons to remind me of that very fact. Sometimes life is just so hard and so good. And, honestly, it can be both things at once. </div>
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I titled this post "What is this 30's thing" because so much of my heart is breaking for those I love. My experience of childhood is rosy and quite frankly, the type of a childhood out of a sitcom-- things worked out and even if there were a few bumps, life was good. Teens were a bit more of a challenge, but with good choices and wonderful friends, I successfully made it through. I got married early and had this sort of bliss that I figured would continue-- we bought a house, had a baby, got a dog. Then, mid 20's Nate died and things got hazy, depressing, difficult-- and those are more cheerful words to describe how it was. (But, if you want to know how I really was, just go to a few other posts on this blog, because I learned how to grieve here. I wrote out my heart for all (or no one) to see and it was just how I needed to express emotions, which is why once again I am here. I know this blog seems like I am always sad-- let me tell you, I am not. I have so much joy in my life-- I just don't need to process joy in writing. I try to live in the moment and so often it is full of joy and love.) So, now enter into my 30's, this is where life had gotten gritty. It is make it or break it time. I am watching people I love make such horrible and heart breaking choices that have life long lasting effects. I am broken for the people I love. </div>
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I cannot delve into any situations as they are not mine to share, but suffice to say, I am joyful in my life and broken-hearted for them. I want to stand in the gap for my friends, yet how? I realize I once needed support and there were people who stood in the gap for me-- not very many, but a few, and God placed those people in my lap right when I needed them. </div>
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It is my turn to love. It is my turn to support. </div>
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God needs to be my strength, because these situations are huge and sad, and quite honestly make me feel like my own grief is insignificant.</div>
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My hubby told me to think of the Bible as fresh bread-- we need fresh bread every day to grow and be filled and to in turn share with others. To eat stale bread is ok, but not something I'll want to offer to my friends. So, fresh bread. Every day. Reading my bible and making it my fresh bread. Daily. This is how I am going to be able to support my dear friends. This is my mission. I know it seems so simple Christian minded. Sometimes simple is best. </div>
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So, please pray for me, to love God deeper, to get that fresh bread daily, to have compassion and empathy for my dear friends, and for them; pray deep for them. </div>
Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-90533520447504526302015-07-07T01:10:00.000-06:002015-07-07T01:10:40.035-06:00Our sweet Stella BellaOur sweet pup went to heaven this week. She just got sick and died. We tried to get her help, took her to the vet, got her some tests and meds and even though we did what we knew to do, she still passed away. The thing is, she passed away while we were gone. We gave her love and said our good byes to her, but in my heart, it was only a "just in case" and honestly, I thought she would be fine in a few days. Whatever made her vomit so much blood was going to heal. I wasn't ready to say good-bye to her. <br />
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Back up about 11 years and we had Stella's dad, Satchel, living with us. He was a bully dog too and lived up to the name-- he was big and fierce and lovable. We loved him as our own while he lived under our care. Nate, my brother, was in prison and I had made a promise to him, that whatever it took, I would take care of Satchel. So, we did. We wanted to get him fixed because he was a little too high strung, but for whatever reason, we never did. Once Nate was free, he came and picked up Satchel and took him from our lives-- it was painful because even though we knew he wasn't ever our dog, we loved him. Nate eventually pulled his life together, met a girl, moved in, and they got another dog. It's the classic, boy meets girl, girl has a litter of 13 puppies. As a thank you to us, Nate picked the "best looking" and probably the most high energy pup of the litter and drove up one Christmas, he gave us that sweet pup. She was always our pup, from the moment she came out, and while the other dogs didn't yet have names, she was already chosen and named. She was our first child-- our first real fuzzy practice kid. Stella. <br />
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When Nate died a little over 2 year later, and Caleb either worked nights or was gone all together for work, Stella would climb in my lap and I would sob into her coat. She licked my tears and let me know it was going to be ok. She was my grief partner. <br />
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We didn't intend to have a puppy and a baby at the same time, but that's what happened. When we got pregnant with Cole, Stella instantly treated me different. It's like she knew I was carrying her very best friend and she couldn't wait. I asked our dog trainer if I should be worried about having a bully dog with a baby, and she said to me, "that dog will love your children deeper and protect them better than she will you." In other words, once the baby was born, Stella would think she was the momma. And, she did.<br />
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She has loved our children deeply, taken them both for her own pups-- alternating sleeping in each room to make sure they're taken care of-- jumping up if there are cries and growling if there is a bump in the night. Cole and Stella were best friends, with Cole dressing Stella up and playing superhero with her, or throwing the stick for catch. Amelia loved to climb all over Stella, and she was just so patient, never once snapping or acting as if she didn't like it. I think Stella felt it was her privilege to help raise our children. She went to bed at 8 with them, and woke up once they did. She was every bit the Nana dog from Peter Pan-- I'm sure if she could have told them not to fuss or gotten them a snack, she would have!<br />
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I always said that when she died, it would probably feel like I'm loosing my brother all over again, and whether it's because I said it, or because it's true, it does. The only tangible connection from my brother-- the best and final gift I got from him-- is gone now too. She really was a fantastic dog, and Nate chose her for our family. The dog of Cole's childhood was chosen by my brother. Nate and Cole never met, but their stories have been linked together through different avenues and this is one of them. It breaks my heart to see this path close now too. <br />
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It's hard to keep a firm hand on those we love who have passed away. It's like holding the wind. Stella, was my wind for a while, and now she's gone too. The chasm of time is ever marching forward and Nate is ever staying in the past. It's almost like Stella was a bridge. <br />
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Maybe that sounds silly, but that's how it feels. I have felt so thankful and so glad Nate gave us Stella. She has comforted me in many times of sorrow. I just wish I would have been with her in the end. I hope she knew how much we loved her.<br />
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<br />Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-18774621661949330672015-03-08T00:18:00.000-07:002015-03-08T00:18:53.370-07:00MusingsOh, there's just too much to catch up on, so I'm not going to. I'm going to muse away and not try to have a point at all. It has been a year. One whole year. That's a long time online. <br />
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To say that this has been my outlet for grief would be an understatement. It has been pretty much my only outlet for grief. I have processed and mourned and been real here. I guess typing on my computer and getting it out there has been pretty meaningful. People can read it or not, and I can get it off my chest. I like that. <br />
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I drive past Nate's grave almost every day now. I live close to it, but now I am working part time at my child's school and so when I drive carpool or go to work, I drive right past him. I say hi to him, because even though it's his grave, it's also his body way down under all the dirt. He's there in that hoodie that we buried him in and in the pocket of that sweatshirt is the note I wrote him, the last words I spoke to his body. It's a weird feeling to know that he's there and not. <br />
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Cole and Nate have a mixed up path that has never met. Nate was here when I went into labor with Cole and chose to leave Boise even though I was having my baby. He left. 4-6 hours later (I can't remember what time he left-- I was in labor!) I had sweet Cole. I have a wonderful message Nate left me from that day, and I wouldn't have that if he had stayed... but I also don't have any pictures of Nate and his nephew. Fast forward a year and Nate dies, his body is in a casket in the funeral home and little Cole is in my arms. I can see them both, just like I could feel my baby and hug my bother a year earlier... but this time Nate is the one who is there but not. Now I take my kidlet to school and Nate is across the street-- all the time, across the street. It's poetic I think. It's sad. It's sweet. <br />
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It's March. It's spring. I'm sad. I don't think I'll see spring quite the same ever again. I know that death is a wound--something you carry with you. It's odd how it peeks up sometimes and grabs a hold of my heart. I am sad that Nate doesn't get to be apart of the friendship Colin and I share. I am happy that through Nate's death, Colin and I became bonded like we hadn't been before. <br />
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That's how life is, huh? It's the good and the bad and the mixed up feelings that go in between. <br />
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Have I said, It's March.<br />
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I want to write again. I want to share the good and the bad and have this outlet again. I need it. <br />
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So, musings are done. It is late and if you haven't heard, there's an awful time change tomorrow. <br />
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Good night, sweet friends, good night.Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-88873015409863098732014-03-11T11:37:00.000-06:002014-03-11T11:37:28.556-06:00I wrote this shortly after Nate died. I thought 5 years later it was worth remembering how I felt. March 11 always smacks me in the face and I am right back to how I felt those first few days.<br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); color: black;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN6yYD3haWVufF49wz8x6a5OvTLevJANH-1P7OesRO1GwTfBxEG7FndJHMl9MPoRNrmI-V18DrXm98jQb7jkbuLQCtSfKiBDueDeEPIkrcdSg6wwukb5iaZkQz8G2XdeojagA2ZcVre2U/s1600-h/DSC00267.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN6yYD3haWVufF49wz8x6a5OvTLevJANH-1P7OesRO1GwTfBxEG7FndJHMl9MPoRNrmI-V18DrXm98jQb7jkbuLQCtSfKiBDueDeEPIkrcdSg6wwukb5iaZkQz8G2XdeojagA2ZcVre2U/s320/DSC00267.JPG" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312914107937196546" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 240px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">How do I express the depth of loss I feel? I don't know. I feel like a piece of me has died along with my brother. My brother, dead, how can that be? He was full of life- perhaps too full. He lived life to the extreme. I loved that about my brother. I hated that about my brother. He was never afraid to say his mind, to live out loud, to be adventurous. He was smart, yet made bad choices. He was so funny and had this contagious laughter-- I couldn't help but laugh along, even if it was something we shouldn't laugh at-- like the Chin (that's a joke between him and me) He was someone I always looked up, even when he was troubled. I couldn't help but look up to Nate. I couldn't help but love him. He knew me my whole life. He was there teaching me to swim, to ride a bike, to tumble. He helped me grow up in many ways, some ways were hard. I learned we can have the greatest families, and still choose drugs. I learned that sober Nate and not sober Nate were very different people. I learned to love him even when he wasn't himself. That to judge people is so very wrong, we just don't know where they're at in their journey. He was itching to have peace. He was always searching, not realizing that the God who loves him, wanted Nate to be at peace in Him. Nate did love Jesus. Nate always spoke of his relationship with Jesus. He was solid on that point. He just had an addiction-- to sin. Don't we all. Why does some sin kill? Why does some sin entice us to such depths? I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I sit and think of Nate. I think of how it seems like he was just here visiting me while I was pregnant. How thankful I am that I left a birthday party early to spend time with Nate. That was the last time I saw him. I will miss my big, spontaneous brother. I will miss his lanky hugs, his crooked smile, his insatiable laugh. I will even miss his teasing. I will love him forever, I will love him for always, as long as I'm living, my brother he'll be.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So much sorrow. How can I handle it? I don't know. I don't know.</span>Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-8355417545691435422014-02-24T23:23:00.002-07:002014-02-24T23:29:26.627-07:00Perspective is everything<span style="color: #666666;">I know I've been vocal about how crappy our life has been these past few months. We've had a lot of really annoying things over the past year. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666;">2009 was the year that life crashed around me. I try to compare what life has thrown at me this year with that year and they don't even compare. It's like complaining about a splinter when you know the pain of a broken leg. Yes, they both hurt, but one is more of an annoyance that anything; the other is pain.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">I remember that pain. Yet, tonight I was reminded again. There is a family in our church, a family I don't actually know, who lost their daughter last night to a long 2 year battle with cancer. It is gut wrenching and horrible and devastating. It is impossible. I have been sobbing for their loss for the past hour. My heart is remembering my own loss, thinking on loosing one of my children, and the loss of their sweet, beautiful, innocent daughter... it's more sad that words can express. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">My life right now is a freaking cake walk in comparison to their current journey. I know it, I've walked it. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">Perspective is everything.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">I am so sad for that family. In my own circumstances, where life is annoying, I choose to dwell on the good rather than complain. Friends, help me to do this. </span></div>
<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">*Please pray for that family. They could use every bit of prayer to get them though this.*</span></span></span>Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-44452814771959568792014-02-21T10:33:00.002-07:002014-02-24T23:27:31.341-07:00Food swapSo, I've been apart of this really awesome local food swap. My fantastic neighbor put it together and I am always delighted at the booty I get at them. The last swap was on Monday and I got loaded up with artisan bath salts, chocolate, nut butters, extracts, eggs, cloth napkins... And more! Sometimes there is home brewed beer, bread, butter, jam... Oh the list goes on and on. It has been a wonderful way for me to expand my tastes and my wallet. Our grocery budget would not allow for all the things that I get each month, but with the swap, I always go away blessed and my pantry gets filled.<br />
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It is so fun to get back to the roots of America and swap! I highly suggest it!<br />
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<br />Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-24721320306620051012014-02-19T13:51:00.002-07:002014-02-19T13:51:52.227-07:00of water heaters and non working carsThis year was suppose to be different than last year. We were not suppose to have big things break on us and have huge financial issues this year like we did last.... <br />
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I think life has a way of laughing at us when things are difficult-- by making them more difficult. At least that's the feeling I've had for the past few months. <br />
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I'm not wishing life was easy, but that I could perhaps coast a little bit and not have to worry.<br />
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I really am trying to keep my chin up and have a positive attitude. I don't think I'm succeeding very well today.<br />
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I just want to curl up in the fetal position and fall asleep.<br />
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Instead I'm sitting on the computer looking at prices of newish cars and water heaters. There are currently 11 tabs on my browser open comparing new water heaters and newish cars. I guess when life throws you curve balls, you have to buy more things? <br />
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I am over the spend money on things you don't want to spend money on... wouldn't it be nice to be able to pay off credit cards, sit in a clean, non construction zone house, and think of what I could make for dinner-- having enough to buy any and all groceries I want? Perhaps someday. As I think of it, maybe this is just how life goes. You get 1 step forward to get pulled back 2 more steps.<br />
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There are many things I am thankful for-- clean running water (even if it is cold), a warm house, new flooring (thanks Met Life!), healthy kids, my hubby's job, the ability to stay home with our children, good friends who have helped me and encouraged me in numerous ways--especially this last difficult year, support from church, a Bible study group who welcomed us with open arms and has treated us like family... the list could go on and on.<br />
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Tunnel vision is a terrible thing. Too much focus on the bad has a way of seeping into my heart and making me forget all the truly wonderful things life has to offer.<br />
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So, if you see me and I'm in a whiny mood-- just tell me to remember all the great things about life! This is a season and it too shall pass. Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-17082194458414895812014-02-11T11:30:00.000-07:002014-02-11T11:30:10.009-07:00I'm backSo, life has been busy and full and full of busy. I'm always running here and there and it seems like I rarely get a moment alone to just write. So, I would very much like to start blogging again. It's been a long time.<br />
I have decided I need to cut out things that I'm doing just so I don't hurt people. I sometimes schedule myself 3 or 4 things to do in a day-- which doesn't seem like a lot when you're a business person, but my life consists of nap time schedules, laundry, kindergarten schedules, feeding kidlets, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. I am apart of a book club, a game club, 2 weekly Bible studies, have a gym membership, and plan at least 2 play dates a week. I'm tired. To top it all off, I have also been dealing with a flood/house remodel for over 2 months now. So, that means, I have random worker men in my house all day almost every day. I have dust flying, pee on my toilet from unknown people, and a dog who barks at every little noise, because she's confused.<br />
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I'm not sure how to say "no" when people want to do something. I feel like I'm always up for dinner with friends, heck in the last week, we've had dinner with friends 4 times. I love spending time with people. I do feel energized when I'm with them. Then, I come home and realize that I haven't had quality time with my little people, because I'm doing so much. <br />
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Last Wednesday, I woke up late, somehow got out the door in 25 minutes, went to Bible study, came home for a quick lunch, took Cole to school, ran errands, did nap time with Amelia, ran to get Cole, went to the gym, came home, fed my kids at 7:30, a friend came over until 9 and then I put the kids to bed. This is a little busier than normal, but it's not so far out of the norm... After I put my kids to bed, I realized that I was so busy doing good things that I didn't have any time to just be with them.<br />
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I'm trying to figure out what is going to fill me as a person and what is going to take away from my family. I can't keep going and doing like I am. I can't schedule something for every night of the week. I just can't.<br />
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I have a lot of friends and only so much time. I love people, and that's the hardest thing about trying to simplify life, I feel like in order to just be with my family, I have a cut out friendships... and I'm not sure how that works.<br />
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So, if I say no to you, please don't take it personal. Please know that I am trying to find balance with my family. <br />
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I know adding my blog back in seems like something else to do, but really, for me, writing helps me to process my life. <br />
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<br />Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-866331473424993922013-06-15T13:07:00.003-06:002013-06-15T13:07:34.441-06:00It has been a long time comingSo, if you know me you know that my older brother died at 27 a little over 4 years ago. It has been a rocky ride for me and grief. I have come so far and learned so much about myself and my relationships with God, my hubby, and friends. <br />
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Those whom I expected to be there in my sadness were somewhat not and God placed new people in my life. <br />
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There was a well known verse in Ecclesiastes that stuck out to me about life being seasons and how everything is made beautiful in its time. I held onto that verse knowing that at some point life would once again be happy. And, even in the pain, it was beautiful. I am learning the fine art of being content where God has me. <br />
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I thought and thought and thought about it. <br />
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Two years ago after a solid year of thinking I decided to make it permanent in my life, and then found out I was pregnant with our sweet little girl, whom we had prayed for and wanted so very badly. I put my plans on the back burner. <br />
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Then this spring I once again started to make plans. I started looking for the right fit and the right art. <br />
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On Wednesday at a small, hole-in-the-wall shop, I got my first tattoo. <br />
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It didn't hurt too badly, but I'm not going to lie, by the end I was ready to be done!! I'm thrilled with the results. I know it is going and be a reminder for the rest of my life of how life comes in seasons and some of them aren't pleasant, yet to become the person God want me to be, I must embrace those seasons, being content in the now, knowing that something else is ahead.<br />
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So, here's a pic from yesterday. If you don't like tattoos, I'm really not looking for your comments. Oh, and sorry about the tape marks, I can't get that silly sticky mess off! <br />
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<br />Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-62642115401376873422013-04-07T12:03:00.002-06:002013-04-07T12:03:42.776-06:00feeling defeatedThis is another rant. So, read at your own risk.
I'm really irritable right now.<br />
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I'm tired, frustrated, feel a bit used and abused, and I want a vacation.<br />
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I know there are lot of people who are in harder situations than myself, and I am not comparing myself to them. I am comparing myself to my normal life and it is just a little off kilter.<br />
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Caleb has had mandatory training this week as well as guard, plus his regular 48 hour week, so he has worked 80 hours. Cole has had a cough, has been up almost every night for several hours, and has very whiny attitude. Amelia cut a tooth. I also worked 2 shifts this week and because of Caleb's training, I had to find childcare-- just adding to the list of my to-do's.<br />
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I really am just tired. I would really like a break from the disobedient, and smart talking 5 year old. I would enjoy sleeping without bringing a baby into bed to nurse first thing in the morning. I would really like to be able to go to the gym and get out some of my aggression.<br />
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I'm doing the race to Robie Creek in 2 weeks and because of this week, I haven't been able to train but 1 time. I am so stinking nervous and feeling totally derailed at the fact that I haven't been able to go exercise. They call it the toughest half marathon for a reason. I know I've got 2 weeks, so I can potentially get to the gym and run outside every day from here on out, but I'm just feeling a bit trapped and without much help from my exhausted hubby.<br />
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So, there you have it. It is Sunday at noon, I'm still in my pj's and I'm hoping this giant cup of coffee kicks in soon.
Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-38810343674860546722013-03-23T22:58:00.000-06:002013-03-23T22:58:18.499-06:00MilkSo, I'm a nursing momma and have a sweet little one who loves it! I don't plan on stopping until she's perhaps 18 months. I think it is the best thing for her and so good for both of us.
One of my very closest friends is a foster momma and she just got a darling baby boy delivered to her doorstep at a wee age of 3 days. I am thrilled for them to love this sweet baby for as long as God allows (hopefully forever) and know what I can help with. She has a baby and I have milk. So, I'm pumping milk for her to give this beautiful baby who otherwise would never get the opportunity to drink what God intended babies to drink.
I am taking supplements to help produce more milk and I'm drinking a ton more water. Any suggestions would be awesome! I know I won't be able to fully supply him with milk, but even a bottle a day would be fantastic.
Please pray for this sweet little guy and for my friend and her family who are all learning to love him. Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-44193078596269371262013-03-19T15:38:00.001-06:002013-03-19T15:38:21.117-06:00It has been a whileLots of life has happened in these last few months that I have neglected my blog. I think I just didn't have inspiration. Not that I have tons right now, but spring is starting to peek out everywhere I look and that has a way of making my soul feel full again.
We have an exuberant 5 year old now and a very sweet 9 month old. They are delightful to be around and in many ways, adding a child has actually made life easier. Cole is so helpful and Amelia is so much fun- I just can't imagine life without these two people.
Cole is learning to read and loving it! He sounds out every sign he sees and sits down with board book and reads them to Amelia (ok, sometimes he makes up the stories!). He is busy, busy, busy! He loves to dig in the dirt, ride his scooter, play in his tree fort, watch tv, and still loves to sit for hours and build Lego creations. He goes to the best Montessori school for preschool and we have decided to keep him there next year as well. I am excited to see how he will continue to learn once he is going everyday. He and I have made some pretty big plans for this summer-- we are going to go swimming at the public pool once a week and go to the park another day during the week, then he plans on spending the rest of it with the neighbor kids. It should be a fun and relaxing summer-- I'll just need to stock up on snacks for the neighborhood! Haha
Amelia is one very content baby (or maybe she is just lazy!). She is happy to sit on the floor and play with the toys around her. She is not very interested in crawling and hasn't even thought of pulling herself up onto the furniture. That is what we are here for-- to meet her every need. I don't, but Cole has such a loving and helpful heart towards his sis that when she cries, he's right there giving her comfort or a toy or a binky. I'm sure she will crawl soon, and at the moment I'm enjoying my happy sitting baby!
This year is a big one for Caleb and me. Caleb turned 30 in January and I have officially dated or been married to him in 3 decades! That's pretty amazing to me. We celebrated with a smallish party at our house with good food and good beer. We will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this summer and Caleb is in charge of planning it... I'm hoping he does something really fun. I'm not sure what to expect, but he knows I'm expectant. So, feel free to remind him that he's got to plan something good!
And as for me, I am training for the race to Robie Creek on April 20. It is the toughest half marathon in the west with about 10 miles being uphill. I'm spending about 3 days a week running/walking at the gym and have seen my endurance go up quite a bit. I have also hit the trail with the people I am going to be racing with and have seen for myself what it is going to take to make it. It is going to be hard. I am excited and a bit nervous. I am doing everything in my power and ability to be ready for this thing. I have no idea how much I'll be able to run on race day, but I do know I will finish the race. Even if I'm last, I'm ok with that because I will have proven to myself that I can do it.
Ok, so there's the update on us. I hope you all are doing well. Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-31323746131912779622012-09-13T20:46:00.000-06:002012-09-13T20:46:07.432-06:00On turning 28Tomorrow I turn 28. It's sort of weird, because I feel like I'm still 17. I guess that might never go away.
It's a big birthday for me. On this birthday I am older than my big brother ever got. I know the official date was back in May, but as he was 27 when he died and I've been 27 all year, if feels like for a short while we were the same age.
Now, I'm older.
Last year I was mournful about my birthday. It seemed wrong to become the age he never grew older than.
A whole year later, it seems like time. It's time for me to step into 28.
So, tomorrow I look forward to being a bit older than him, and enjoying my life with my two kids and wonderful husband.
Here's to birthdays and celebrating and growing older!Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-6857225367548944462012-09-02T14:27:00.000-06:002012-09-02T14:27:29.525-06:00Sitting around So, to recap from this week. Sitting around and watching tv, sitting around and nursing (very carefully), sitting around and surfing the web, laying in bed and sleeping, laying on the couch and sleeping, laying on the couch and watching tv, eating bowls of soup and plates of salad. <br />
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The end.Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-369046387776630625.post-68013186205273247342012-08-28T19:58:00.001-06:002012-08-29T12:18:28.641-06:00Gallbladder is GoneYesterday I went in for lapriscopic surgery to remove my gallbladder. Everything went really well. The doctor told Caleb that I had hundreds of stones. Many of them were the size of the previously lodged stones which gave me so much trouble back in March. So, it was a good thing we decided to remove my gallbladder. The main reason we decided to go through with the surgery was because there was a high chance of a stone becoming lodged and causing pancreantitus again and much worse, potentially life long problems such as diabetes. <br />
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With my current low fat diet I haven't had very many symptoms, but the fear of pancreantitus was always in my thoughts. <br />
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Now I don't have to live in fear! What a huge relief. I honestly can't imagine being able to eat without that constant worry. It has been a very long 5 months and I am thankful to be putting this time behind me.<br />
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Please be praying for a quick recovery. I am in a lot of pain and am feeling nervous about Caleb's return to work on Thursday. My stomach feels like part of my guts were taken out (Caleb says I must be in touch with my body, since that's about what happened). <br />
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Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement these last 2 days. <br />
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On a side note, Amelia is trying to suck her thumb which is super cute!!Meggiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16475268282481080116noreply@blogger.com1