Monday, January 18, 2016

What is this 30's thing

Once again, it's late at night and I cannot sleep.  The swirl of thoughts in my head prevents me from resting.

The verse I keep coming back to is Ecclesiastes 3: 

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart.

These verses have carried me through so many situations in my life-- I remember discovering it when I was about 12-- an age that doesn't fully understand what life even is.  I found the idea of living life and embracing the moment to be so complex; at that point in my life, I just wanted to be 16.  However, it had been the set of verses to hold me steady through life.  To know that there is a season to this great and beautiful life we are given is huge to me.  So much so that I have a tattoo of a tree changing seasons to remind me of that very fact.  Sometimes life is just so hard and so good.  And, honestly, it can be both things at once.  

I titled this post "What is this 30's thing" because so much of my heart is breaking for those I love.  My experience of childhood is rosy and quite frankly, the type of a childhood out of a sitcom-- things worked out and even if there were a few bumps, life was good.  Teens were a bit more of a challenge, but with good choices and wonderful friends, I successfully made it through.  I got married early and had this sort of bliss that I figured would continue-- we bought a house, had a baby, got a dog.  Then, mid 20's Nate died and things got hazy, depressing, difficult-- and those are more cheerful words to describe how it was.  (But, if you want to know how I really was, just go to a few other posts on this blog, because I learned how to grieve here.  I wrote out my heart for all (or no one) to see and it was just how I needed to express emotions, which is why once again I am here.  I know this blog seems like I am always sad-- let me tell you, I am not.  I have so much joy in my life-- I just don't need to process joy in writing.  I try to live in the moment and so often it is full of joy and love.)  So, now enter into my 30's, this is where life had gotten gritty.  It is make it or break it time.  I am watching people I love make such horrible and heart breaking choices that have life long lasting effects.  I am broken for the people I love.  

I cannot delve into any situations as they are not mine to share, but suffice to say, I am joyful in my life and broken-hearted for them.  I want to stand in the gap for my friends, yet how?  I realize I once needed support and there were people who stood in the gap for me-- not very many, but a few, and God placed those people in my lap right when I needed them.  

It is my turn to love.  It is my turn to support.  

God needs to be my strength, because these situations are huge and sad, and quite honestly make me feel like my own grief is insignificant.

My hubby told me to think of the Bible as fresh bread-- we need fresh bread every day to grow and be filled and to in turn share with others.  To eat stale bread is ok, but not something I'll want to offer to my friends.  So, fresh bread.  Every day.  Reading my bible and making it my fresh bread.  Daily.  This is how I am going to be able to support my dear friends.  This is my mission.  I know it seems so simple Christian minded.  Sometimes simple is best.  

So, please pray for me, to love God deeper, to get that fresh bread daily, to have compassion and empathy for my dear friends, and for them; pray deep for them.