Thursday, June 30, 2011


Cole and I did some painting last night. I have to say, I didn't want to, but as he really wanted to and once the paints were out, it seemed like a great idea. So, after he was done, and in the bath, I worked on mine.

The significance to the tree changing seasons is just that. Life is full of seasons, and I have been in winter for a very long time. Spring is finally here, and it is good to realize that each season is only for a time. It is good to be where you are, and it is good to move into the next season.

To everything there is a season and a purpose to everything under heaven...A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance.

May dancing begin in my life.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I've been looking at my stats...

So, who knew there were people all over the world looking at my blog-- 12 countries just today. go figure. I do hope someone out there is inspired.

Things here are going good. I've officially finished my first knitting project! I started and finished it all by myself! My kidlet asked me to make him a wash cloth... and he's been sleeping with it every night! What a cutie. And, what an encouragement to me to keep learning and growing and creating.

I've got a painting of a half finished tree sitting on the desk in my entry, and I'm pretty sure I need to carve out some time (possible tomorrow as it is suppose to be 96 degrees!) to paint. I know Cole would be over the moon to work with me.

The real reason I'm writing is not to update you on my projects, however that is part of my journey, but to be real.

My heart is full of joy.

It hasn't been this way in some time. Probably about 2 1/2 years. I am truly joyfilled to be in this life I am living. Sometimes I'm sure I cram too much in, but even though I was busy all day today-- rushing from one thing to the next, I sat down tired tonight and was able to cuddle with Cole and realize that life is full of the moment. I can either choose to live a life planned out, full of fear and the unknown, with a lot of stress, or I can do my very best in this one moment I've got.

I think that's what I missed in my relationship with Nate. I was always hoping that he would get better and that someday we would be friends... I never did get that day. We never were able to connect and we both truly missed out on relationship.

I've realized that much of my grief journey has been about the things I missed with Nate-- that he either was there high, or not there at all, and now won't be there. I have forgotten the eternal perspective of life. We are not just walking this earth-- we are eternal beings. Either we walk into eternity with Christ (after giving our lives to him here on earth), or we walk into an eternity with Satan (after ignoring the promptings of Jesus, and choosing another path). I know that Nate turned his life to Jesus-- I know that he believed. I'm sure that God has given me hope in Nate's salvation. Therefore, why do I weep and mourn as one that does not have hope? I will have the relationship with Nate that I have always wanted, just not for another 70 years. Things really worth having are worth waiting for, right? So, this is going to be one really awesome reunion.

Happy 1st day of Summer (to those in the N. Hemisphere!).

Monday, June 6, 2011

my heart awakens

It's been a week or so since I decided to clean house of all distractions. Well, not all distractions... but I've scaled back quite a bit! It feels like my heart is starting to beat once again.

I've been creating. I've learned to knit, read Alice in Wonderland, cleaned, painted part of a painting, spent some quality time with friends, and best of all prayed for some heart healing.

I believe we were all created to create, it's a natural function of communion with Christ. My problem is I wasn't spending time with God. It's not that I didn't, it's that I didn't want to. I wanted to live my life in the hurt and pain, and sometimes I wanted to feel better, but I didn't want to go the extra step and actually get some healing from God. I didn't, because that step was just too painful.

As I sat and learned to knit, my friend just listened to my brokenness and asked if we could pray. Giving the pain and hurt to God in a radical and simple way. I'm sure I would not have had the courage to give into the pain alone. The pain is just to difficult to touch, let alone dig. We started the deep process of surgery that night and again a few days later. I'm not done, not even close, yet I see some progress-- my heart is awakening. The healing is happening. My soul really does long for Christ's love and peace.

I'm open, I'm listening to the quiet, worshiping in his creation, and remembering what it really means to love life.

For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel just a glimmer of me.