Monday, August 29, 2016

Stay at home mom

So I know I'm a stay at home mom and that means I've got loads of time on my hands to just sit around and watch tv and eat bon bons (this is what Caleb likes to say anyways).  And, while that might be true if I was a stay at home mom with a nanny, I'm not.  Shocker.

I'm the kind of mom who stays at home and takes care of all the little and big stuff and pays the bills, and wipes tears and butts, and tries in vain to clean the house, and buys the clothes for the ever growing kids, and opens mail (and tosses it), and gets the groceries (putting them away too!), and plans the play dates (because that's what we do to get some sanity-- we drink coffee or beer/wine with other moms and call it a date for the kids)  I'm counselor, fight referee, cook, baker, taxi and honestly I work my butt off to keep things running.  I also get kisses and snuggles and lots of love.  But, even that can make me tired (come on, haven't they heard of personal space!).

Right now I'm so, so tired.  If you want to take my kids for the afternoon/evening/weekend, feel free to ask, I'll let you!  If you want me to watch your kids for the afternoon/evening/weekend please refrain until my life is less tiring.  I love helping my friends, but seriously, I can't.  I'm not there right now.  It's my turn to ask and I need you just to understand that.

So, come over in the evening with beer and a movie or coffee in the morning and give me a hug and be there.

That's it for now.  Thanks for loving me.  

Monday, August 22, 2016

Responsibilities and stuff

So this new adventure of being a sorta single mom has given me much more responsibility.  So much more.  I know it's kind of the same as last year and the time before that and the time before that...  I mean he has been gone several times before this current situation and it's probably going to happen again.. It happens.  They say jump and we jump.  It just always feel a little like a slap when I realize I have to do it all by myself.  I don't do outside stuff...  so raking this fall is going to be a group effort (you know who you are and you know I'm going to ask you!) and sorry to all my neighbors about the weeds that are now taller than my baby peach tree.  I did try to weed a few weeks ago and I just decided once again, I don't like it and I don't really care that it looks like a jungle.  I think it's got a nice "natural" feel to.  Also, sweeping is probably for people who like to go barefoot in the house and I've decided I'm no longer one of those people.  I like my flip flops.  So, come in, don't look too closely at the floor, and wear your shoes.  I'll make coffee.  I'm really good at making coffee-- espresso, french press, cold brew, drip-- I've got choices for you if you come over.

The people in my life-- those who are going to come and rake-- are the most wonderful supportive people,  who would step in and help me whatever the situation is.  I am blown away at the people who surround me and my children.  From family and friends to church family and neighbors-- I don't know why Hillary Clinton got some much crap for saying it takes a village to raise a child-- because let me tell you, I need every single person in my village to help me raise my children right now and I'm so grateful for the help!!  And, no, I'm not in love with Hillary or anything-- but sometimes there are treasures in garbage-- just saying.

I really want to take this time and grow.  I've been thinking about how and what and where and with what time and all of those factors and I'm thinking I need to really start to write again.  I mean, really write.  I don't think this tiny little blog is going to be the venue, although, I'm not opposed to it.  I just think that having a blog, you need to say things that are going to touch people where they are at and I'm not sure I'm able to write a lot of deep or meaningful things.  I just need to write though. I feel like all the words in me need to get out and I'm not even sure what I need to say, but there it is-- I need to write.  I don't need to watch TV or mess around on Facebook.  I just need to create.  I miss the research and the formatting and the figuring out sentence structure and I love it all.

I also really need to get myself ready for early morning and waking up before the sun and rousing kids from their warm comfortable nests to cast them into the cold morning for school... I'm so looking forward to school, but why can't school start at 10.  I think all good things don't need to start until 10.  I mean, the first movie showing isn't until 10:30 usually-- if we aren't awake enough to go to an early morning movie, why are we suppose to wake up early and go to school or work or anything else?  This is my night owl coming out, can you tell?  I just need to psych myself up for it.  I can do it.  I can adult.  I just don't always like to.  Like dinner-- EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  Really?  can we just eat dinner like 2 times a week and an apple the rest of the time?  But seriously, can we?

Alright.  So, here's the end of the miscellaneous post.  Not a whole lot said, but my snark is out, which means I'm doing ok.  Missing my man, wishing for less responsibilities, thankful for those of you who are standing with me and loving me through this season.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Being alone yet always surrounded

Life is delicious and bitter all at the same time. Right now I feel like it's a little more bitter, but sure does have some beauty in it. My heartbeat is on the other side of the world and while there are many who have gone before me, this is my first time to let go for so long and trust God to take care of him.

My life now consists of lots of snuggles from kids -- the kind where I rarely get alone time. A sleeping child is in my bed almost every night. The sweet breathing into their father's pillow at night brings them such comfort as they navigate the world without their daddy's constant presence. How can I say no? To deprive them of a comfort to sleep well-- that is just silly. So, instead of getting the queen bed to myself, I'm now sleeping on the edge while they are spread eagle! My need for space will surely be taken care of once they feel secure in this new life we are creating the three of us.

There is a freedom that comes with not needing to make meals at a certain time, the ability to lounge around all morning in my PJs because there's no need to do anything for a timetable of daddy coming home. This is a joy for me. It brings me back to my childhood of homeschooling-- to not have a set schedule is what can give me so much happiness.

The school schedule will also surely give me some needed joy-- no more arguing with me or each other. Watching young minds grow and stretch makes me feel so satisfied. I love, love seeing learning.

Each step forward brings a beautiful moment in time that is captured only now. The sting of my love missing these moments makes me want to keep time standing still. How do I enjoy the moment and wish for it to go by fast in order to bring him home?

To see the beauty and bitterness together and embrace it. That is my goal.