Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When will it end?

So, my post today is all about ending... my job is ending soon as well as my political science class (which, I swear me professor must think I make up so many excuses, cause let me tell you, I've missed class more times this semester than like the last 3 combined... whose sister-in-law almost dies, goes to disneyland, and then looses a brother. Come on. how can my real life sound like a load of excuses to get out of class. if only!). Hum... I'm just thinking about summer like I use to when I was a kid in full time school. It was nice to look forward to summer, and here I am again, looking forward to summer. I plan on going on lots of bike rides, swimming in the kiddie pool with my kiddo, and eating lots of frozen juice pops (cause that'll be a blast to give to Cole this summer!! Ha ha, he's going to get it everywhere!). I also plan on working on a project-- mainly I want to plan an informational 5-10k run in honor of my brother, Nate. I want it to be about drug addiction being a disease. I want information to get out to people. The people who started the Susan G. Koman run started somewhere and look at where they've come. Amazing to see! I want that. So, here's to looking forward to summer in all its glory, hot sticky days and dreaming of adventures as well as big projects. Speaking of projects, if you're in our area, you should check out the nice new lawn we've got in the back yard-- yes, Caleb layed sod today (not the whole yard, but the part that's been gross for the past year!). I'm such a happy girl!
Good-Night. Here's to 3 more days of work and summer right ahead!

Monday, April 13, 2009


I figured that some cute pictures of my kid would be appreciated! :) We walked to a park close by and had a really fun time with Cole. it's such a blast to be able to start playing with him outside!

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Just a little note-- life seems a little cheerier today. It's sunny, it's almost Easter, and I am drinking a latte. Not to mention, my kiddo is napping. Thanks for the loving comments to my last post. I am encouraged to know so many people are on my side and loving me (not to mention, people are actually reading my blog! go figure!). Here's to a great weekend.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

be, do, have

Today I woke up, rolled out of bed, showered, ironed my pants, changed my baby, and ran off to work. I'm here now. I usually can't wait to get home from work. It's that I would rather be anywhere else but here. Not because I don't particularly like this job, but because I don't like any job.

I like to just be free.

However, I've realized that I have a hard time being joyful in the here and now. I'm always looking forward, moving. There's been a huge shift in my life from Nate's death. I've realized that I'm almost always looking for the next best thing. I am having a really hard time grieving. In order to grieve, I would have to sit and think about the now. I would have to face what's going on here. I would have to be content with my life as it stands without my big brother, without hoping I would loose weight, not work, the weather would get better, or any number of things I blame my lack of contentment on. I would have to face the sorrow, face the reality of my life and still find joy in the middle of it.

How do I face all the things in my life? Do I have to read some sort of self-help book? I hate self-help books. I read the Bible and the words stick to the roof of my mouth like a dry piece of bread. I find no joy in them. I pray, yet the words seem to come back unheard. I talk and the talking turns to noise. I'm quite and I have to run-- I can't seem to just sit quietly and be.

I am a confident, courageous, lovable, and mellow woman. I know the "be" part of me, now what do I need to "do" in order to "have" the life I want?