Today I woke up, rolled out of bed, showered, ironed my pants, changed my baby, and ran off to work. I'm here now. I usually can't wait to get home from work. It's that I would rather be anywhere else but here. Not because I don't particularly like this job, but because I don't like any job.
I like to just be free.
However, I've realized that I have a hard time being joyful in the here and now. I'm always looking forward, moving. There's been a huge shift in my life from Nate's death. I've realized that I'm almost always looking for the next best thing. I am having a really hard time grieving. In order to grieve, I would have to sit and think about the now. I would have to face what's going on here. I would have to be content with my life as it stands without my big brother, without hoping I would loose weight, not work, the weather would get better, or any number of things I blame my lack of contentment on. I would have to face the sorrow, face the reality of my life and still find joy in the middle of it.
How do I face all the things in my life? Do I have to read some sort of self-help book? I hate self-help books. I read the Bible and the words stick to the roof of my mouth like a dry piece of bread. I find no joy in them. I pray, yet the words seem to come back unheard. I talk and the talking turns to noise. I'm quite and I have to run-- I can't seem to just sit quietly and be.
I am a confident, courageous, lovable, and mellow woman. I know the "be" part of me, now what do I need to "do" in order to "have" the life I want?