Tuesday, April 7, 2009

be, do, have

Today I woke up, rolled out of bed, showered, ironed my pants, changed my baby, and ran off to work. I'm here now. I usually can't wait to get home from work. It's that I would rather be anywhere else but here. Not because I don't particularly like this job, but because I don't like any job.

I like to just be free.

However, I've realized that I have a hard time being joyful in the here and now. I'm always looking forward, moving. There's been a huge shift in my life from Nate's death. I've realized that I'm almost always looking for the next best thing. I am having a really hard time grieving. In order to grieve, I would have to sit and think about the now. I would have to face what's going on here. I would have to be content with my life as it stands without my big brother, without hoping I would loose weight, not work, the weather would get better, or any number of things I blame my lack of contentment on. I would have to face the sorrow, face the reality of my life and still find joy in the middle of it.

How do I face all the things in my life? Do I have to read some sort of self-help book? I hate self-help books. I read the Bible and the words stick to the roof of my mouth like a dry piece of bread. I find no joy in them. I pray, yet the words seem to come back unheard. I talk and the talking turns to noise. I'm quite and I have to run-- I can't seem to just sit quietly and be.

I am a confident, courageous, lovable, and mellow woman. I know the "be" part of me, now what do I need to "do" in order to "have" the life I want?

3 comments:

Dennis said...

Your words are so comforting and loving, Meg. I appreciate your real-ness, raw and without excuse.

I have been student of you, since you were born. As your papa, I have LOVED watching your mature and seeing you touch so many people.

Thanks for your posting today. It is a worthy read.
Dad

Julie said...

Meg, (the beautiful one)
My heart is full of compassion for you as you share your emotions and feelings, some flowing, and some still not realized. As you have said before, "this sucks". You are so right on about that! It sucks having to see our family go through this pain and loss of Nate, a brother, a son, a nephew, a grandson, an uncle, a fiancé, a cousin and a friend!

I believe the word is "go through".
How each of us "goes through" is going to be different.
How we deal with each emotion, the lows and the very lowest of lows.
The valleys along the way wondering where is God in this and why God, why?
I agree that looking for the next best thing is a thought that I continue to look upon.

As I am still processing the precious time I was given to be with you and your family while I was in Boise. I got to experience the family that Nate loves and is loved by. A family that lives their lives open, real with passion for each other and for others. From their waking up in the morning to their going to bed at night. A family that is surrounded by so many close friends that one can't even begin to count or try to keep track of.

Meg...
To address your question,” what are you to "do" in order to "have" the life you want?" I wish had an answer! Both you and I know who does! Only God can answer that for you. My pray for you is that you will diligently press into God, with a raised fist asking Him for all of the answers! Soon that fist will open up and a hand will begin to take shape. A hand of a beautiful woman who can praise her God and can see the beauty from the ashes.
I value the time I had getting to know you and your hubby and your blessing boy, Cole. I will cherish that special time of discovery and love forever. You are so special to me! I would have never have known the depths of this love without Nate.
I am discovering because of Nate, who loved all, was passionate about people and loved family time, that I want a lot of that!
Nate, you are missed by the family who didn't get enough of you when you were here! I look forward to the sofa that you have sent ahead.
P.S. Your sister is awesome!, yea you already now that!
Love,
Aunt Julie

Angelia said...

Meg,
This post spoke volumes to me. The words radiated from the page to my heart. As one who can relate, but has not been able to get past the point of recognizing the problem, know that life won't get any easier by not stopping to face the grief of the present day. Not only does it steal the peace of dealing with the loss, it steals the joy of living in the moment. Thank you for bringing to light areas that I know God wants to heal