Monday, December 28, 2009

No Sweets Day 1

I have been a bit too indulgent in my sugar eating, and have decided that the only way to get to where I want to be is to not eat sweets. So, I chose to start now rather than the New Years day because I don't want to wait until Jan to start the cleans of sugars... and that is what the first 2 weeks of not eating sweets is going to be. A cleanse. It's going to be painful. I'm not excited about it. I am however excited about the results I am sure to have. So, here's to the loss of 30 pounds or 6 months (which ever comes first) of no sweets, treats, desserts, or candy. I have done if before and I know I can do it again... it's just so painful today to not sit down with some of the Christmas candy (which I sent to work with Caleb tonight.. so it's long gone by now) and a sweetened coffee while reading Vanity Fair (an interesting read so far). Wish me luck, and I'll let you know how it goes. Also, say a pray for me that I can continue to give the food stronghold--esp sweets-- in my life to God.
Here's to day 2- tomorrow.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I've been going to school FOREVER. Most people don't even know I'm a student. However, even though they don't know, I am. I started back to school about 3 years ago. I am almost a Sophomore. I just hope to complete college by the time my 17 year old brother does. Maybe. I'll at least have my AA degree by then.

This going to college thing, while most of my friends are just doing the normal family life thing, is sort of hard. I have to think about tests and homework and writing papers and such. While they're thinking of diapers, making dinner, and other normal stuff. I have to do both. Which I think makes my education a little better. Not to brag or anything, but when you've got a family to take care of and school to do-- it means you really want both. I do really want both. I think I'm doing good at really wanting both. I have a good GPA (tried to find it just now and can't....hum. probably my fault, cause I can't navigate blackboard very well).

I plan on going to school next semester full time. That means I'm going to get a babysitter probably 2 days a week and actually get more that 3 credits! It also means I have to get up early, make exercise a priority, find good crock pot meals, create a cleaning schedule, and make sure I have time with Caleb and Cole. As crazy as that sounds when I put it down on paper. It makes me excited. I'm excited to jump from 24 credits to to 36 credits. I mean, that's a huge jump for me!!! I'm excited to see the end in sight. I'm also thankful for the pell grant which makes this whole post possible.

The End

Monday, October 26, 2009

I've been inspired

I have to say that mornings are difficult for me normally, so with this "dark night of my soul" looming on me in every way right now, it's been even harder to get out of bed. Cole has been a little trooper, and plays nicely in his crib until I come and rescue him. (aka we start the day) Now don't get me wrong I'm not sleeping all day, just a bit later that I want. I want to get up earlier that Cole and have a cup of coffee, maybe get a workout in, get some breakfast started, take a shower... you know those kinds of things-- not all of them every day though, I don't want to get up at 5, sheesh!

Caleb, Cole, and I went to McCall last week for a quick get away and we went to bed at 10. 10pm. Let me tell you, I don't remember the last time I went to bed at 10pm. Caleb's been on night shift now for months and it's hard to get to bed at a decent hour when I climb into bed alone, so 10pm is quite early.

This early bed time got me thinking about how much easier it would be to get out of bed early if I just went to bed early. I know, I know, that's a DUH. However, it's just hard to get into the habit of early to bed, early to rise. So, back to the title, I've been inspired, by my friend, Emily, who has two kids and is trying to do the same thing. I think if I do get up and get going everyday, it'll make me a little more productive and feel a little less, well, sad. I know the sadness isn't ever going to go away, however, maybe if I make a habit of getting up early, it'll help the depression a little bit.

Oh, on a side not, I got a hair cut, nothing too exciting, just a trim. I've been looking at pictures of me with long hair and I think I'm going to grow it out long again... wish me luck. I also think I'm going to dye it. Just have to wait for that pay check.
Thanks Kyle, for the idea of shaving it. I don't want to check out of life like Ms. Spears.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I'm in a dilemma and I realize that there aren't very many people who read this, but I just needed to vent for a minute. I hate my hair right now. It's getting longer and still has layers from long ago, and I don't want to go get it cut until I know what I want, so I just keep letting it grow and it keeps grossing me out. not to mention, I've got a lot of white hair now peppered throughout my head (due to this wonderfully stressful year, and probably to becoming a mommy) and I don't know what to do about those. Part of me just wants to ignore them and let them grow and go white gracefully, and part of me wants to dye, dye, dye them. However, either solution ticks me off. I mean, I don't want to have to dye my hair and I don't want to have white hair either. I just want my hair back. I want my long, nice, dark hair back. So, there you go. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Monday, October 5, 2009


So, today I'm sick. In fact for the last 3 days I'm been sick in bed. I haven't slept this much in ages. It's been really crummy. I mean, if you're going to take a time out in life, shouldn't it be because we want to take a time out? Not because we have to? Like, it sounds really nice to get a hotel room, all by myself, and just watch tv (we don't have cable, so hotel rooms are really fun!) and read a book and maybe go on a walk alone. Just for a day. To take a time out. Nope, planning that type of thing might happen, but most likely, my time outs are like this one. I'm in my room banned from the rest of the house as to not get everyone else sick, and I get to sleep and be on the laptop. And, it's not like I"m just chilling either-- I'm sick. I'm hacking up a lung, and my throat is so sore that it hurts from my ears all the way down to my neck. So much for a time out. So much for a day alone. I get to be with germs. Yum. Wish me good health for the rest of the year.

Friday, September 25, 2009

what was life like?

So, I've been thinking lately about my life... and I've been thinking about what it was like before had Cole. I honestly can't remember. Isn't that sad? I mean, he's only 20 months (that's almost 2 for all you who don't have kids!). My life has changed so drastically. Like, what did I do with my Saturdays? I know I slept in, and there's something I vaguely remember about being able to go to the movies whenever I want, and hanging out with friends... then there's the fact that I could clean my house and it would stay that way for longer than one evening (cause I clean after Cole's in bed... so, it does stay clean while he's asleep!). Also, my evenings didn't end at 7pm. Wow... when I say it that way, it almost sounds like why even have a kiddo.
However, let me take you through a day in my life: wake up around 8, get the little one dressed and ready for the day, make breakfast, and then we play. We usually go to the gym a couple times a week (although, this month, Cole's had a runny nose for most of it, so we have been going on walks). Then more playing. We eat lunch, nap, play, dinner, play, bath, sleep. We play all day. I mean, we build things together, we run around outside, we throw the ball for Stella, we read tons of books! Cole is an avid reader-- he'll sit by himself and read for 20 minutes at a time; that's like hours to an adult. It's so much fun watching him discover life. He loves somethings and really doesn't like other things. He thinks baby dolls are silly and he love trucks. He loves meat, but doesn't like his veggies. He's pure boy. I love being his mom.
This morning, he woke up really early and was so sad, so I got him a bottle and he came back to bed with me, we snuggled and sort of slept for an hour. He just needed a little bit of love and then he was ready to go back to bed. It was so wonderful-- cause snuggling only happens when we read. so, 1 hour was wonderful. I'm glad I don't watch the movies when they first come out, and I'm glad we do more take out than dine in, and I'm glad we go to the park and play instead of sit at a coffee shop. I love every moment of this little person and I love that my life has had to change-- I've grown more than him in lots of ways. For the first time, I know what really loving someone is.
So, there's my little tangent for today.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

here are a few pictures of my little man. He's growing up fast and it's so fun to watch him!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


So, Caleb's been gone for 6 weeks tomorrow. It's hard to believe it's already been 6 weeks. Only 2 more to go! We've talked about 40 minutes total and I've only gotten 2 letters. I don't think I would have signed up for this if I would have known. However, it really has made me think about all the things in my life I take for granted. I just assume Caleb is going to come home every day and help with Cole-- and sometimes I don't even thank him for his help and willingness to not only provide for our family financially, but also come home and change diapers. I know I needed to take a step back from life and relearn what is important.
The loss of my big brother, grandma, and now my husband (in a different way, but still, he's not here and not available for me to call) has made me realize that I should cherish every moment. I don't want to miss a thing in life and I don't want to live my life wishing for something more. I want to be the kind of person who is looking towards the future, AND totally present in the now. I'm learning everyday what that looks like. It's an amazing journey.
All that to say, I'm ready to be done learning the lesson and have my Hubby back. I miss him! Can I just say, these next two weeks might be the longest yet? Pray for me to keep on keeping on. I'm tired and would really love the chance to not be mom for a day.
OK, on that note, I have to go to bed... I have to get up in the morning.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My Uncle Danny

Hi! So, I just have to brag about my uncle Danny for a minute. I asked him to paint me a couple pictures (he's an artist and I love his stuff! Check him out on ebay Danny Byl is his name) for our sun room. Well, he totally came through for me and I am loving them! Here are the pictures!
All the boats are named after my family: Caleb, Cole, Meg, Nate, Wanda (my grandma who just died), Denny, Sue, and Colin! Such a huge blessing to me. Thanks Uncle Danny!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Life this year has been a challenge. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed. I am tired. Emotionally and Physically. Some days I just want to sleep all day. Yet in the midst of all this change, sorrow, and faith. I am still breathing. I am waking up every morning and doing what needs to get done, I am also so thankful for all the little things in my life. I am so glad that Caleb is gone now. I know that sounds sort of weird, like why would I be happy after the year I've had, with hospitals, deaths, and sadness to have my husband gone for 2 months. Well, I am the most confident in who I am right now. I know I wouldn't have been able to send my husband off to Boot Camp any other time in our marriage. I would have been too selfish. Now, I see life is fleeting. The moment only lasts a second and then the opportunity is gone. I want to live life with out regret and one of those things is encouraging my husband and those around me to take life while we've got it and do what we desire. I don't mean, run off and be nuts. But, live out your dreams. Plus, through all of this, my cousin Dannie moved to Boise. I love it. I love getting to know her. I love having a partner here while Caleb's gone. I love feeling myself grow. It's a good hard time in my life right now. Oh, and I did plant my small garden... just a few peppers, cucumber, and tomato! Oh, and here's a few videos for Nona.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Yellow Dress

I wore a yellow dress a friend gave me today. I was reading a book on my back porch in a rare moment of quiet. I was really enjoying myself. Then I realized that I was being swarmed by little gnat type bugs. They were landing on me. I would swat them away, and then they would be back. I think they thought they had scored big-- I mean, the biggest yellow flower ever. So, I went inside and changed. I am bothered by enough things in life that I do not need to willingly let bugs crawl all over me. It is nice to be noticed and loved, but not by insects.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I am missing my hubby. He's in week 2 of boot camp with the Air Force National Guard... and we have 7 1/2 more weeks to go. I miss, miss, miss him.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When will it end?

So, my post today is all about ending... my job is ending soon as well as my political science class (which, I swear me professor must think I make up so many excuses, cause let me tell you, I've missed class more times this semester than like the last 3 combined... whose sister-in-law almost dies, goes to disneyland, and then looses a brother. Come on. how can my real life sound like a load of excuses to get out of class. if only!). Hum... I'm just thinking about summer like I use to when I was a kid in full time school. It was nice to look forward to summer, and here I am again, looking forward to summer. I plan on going on lots of bike rides, swimming in the kiddie pool with my kiddo, and eating lots of frozen juice pops (cause that'll be a blast to give to Cole this summer!! Ha ha, he's going to get it everywhere!). I also plan on working on a project-- mainly I want to plan an informational 5-10k run in honor of my brother, Nate. I want it to be about drug addiction being a disease. I want information to get out to people. The people who started the Susan G. Koman run started somewhere and look at where they've come. Amazing to see! I want that. So, here's to looking forward to summer in all its glory, hot sticky days and dreaming of adventures as well as big projects. Speaking of projects, if you're in our area, you should check out the nice new lawn we've got in the back yard-- yes, Caleb layed sod today (not the whole yard, but the part that's been gross for the past year!). I'm such a happy girl!
Good-Night. Here's to 3 more days of work and summer right ahead!

Monday, April 13, 2009


I figured that some cute pictures of my kid would be appreciated! :) We walked to a park close by and had a really fun time with Cole. it's such a blast to be able to start playing with him outside!

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Just a little note-- life seems a little cheerier today. It's sunny, it's almost Easter, and I am drinking a latte. Not to mention, my kiddo is napping. Thanks for the loving comments to my last post. I am encouraged to know so many people are on my side and loving me (not to mention, people are actually reading my blog! go figure!). Here's to a great weekend.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

be, do, have

Today I woke up, rolled out of bed, showered, ironed my pants, changed my baby, and ran off to work. I'm here now. I usually can't wait to get home from work. It's that I would rather be anywhere else but here. Not because I don't particularly like this job, but because I don't like any job.

I like to just be free.

However, I've realized that I have a hard time being joyful in the here and now. I'm always looking forward, moving. There's been a huge shift in my life from Nate's death. I've realized that I'm almost always looking for the next best thing. I am having a really hard time grieving. In order to grieve, I would have to sit and think about the now. I would have to face what's going on here. I would have to be content with my life as it stands without my big brother, without hoping I would loose weight, not work, the weather would get better, or any number of things I blame my lack of contentment on. I would have to face the sorrow, face the reality of my life and still find joy in the middle of it.

How do I face all the things in my life? Do I have to read some sort of self-help book? I hate self-help books. I read the Bible and the words stick to the roof of my mouth like a dry piece of bread. I find no joy in them. I pray, yet the words seem to come back unheard. I talk and the talking turns to noise. I'm quite and I have to run-- I can't seem to just sit quietly and be.

I am a confident, courageous, lovable, and mellow woman. I know the "be" part of me, now what do I need to "do" in order to "have" the life I want?

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Moving. Always Moving.

Lots has been going on in my little head these last few weeks. I am moving. I am always moving. Maybe not physically, but mentally. I realized that much of the way I cope with hard spots is to move-- to run away. If I can't run away physically, I run away emotionally, or I run to a movie or even food. I run. I don't want to face the pain. I don't want to deal with Nate's death. I want everything to be ok. What is ok? I don't have any idea. I don't know how to explain death to myself, so how do I talk about it with people? And, the other big question, is how do I deal with people who don't even acknowledge my pain. I spent some time with a girlfriend recently, and she kept saying the stupidest things-- like she couldn't understand why I was tired (duh, the most emotionally exhausted I've ever been... not to mention, I have a 14 month old who is just learning to walk... it's not like I get to take naps during the day or just take life easy) or why Cole wasn't being himself (hum, lets think about it, Cole understands I'm stressed), or why I was sad. At one point, I looked at her and said, My brother died. She still didn't get it. How do I deal with people who just really don't get it-- I understand that lots of people haven't had death near them, but to not even try. Come on.
So, to anyone who doesn't know what to say when they're faced with death, say, "I'm sorry, this really sucks." Hug the person. Tell them you love them. Then follow up with "this just really sucks."
The End for now

Saturday, March 21, 2009

And so we say good-bye

We buried my brother today. Yesterday I said my final good-bye to his still form. He lay in the casket, I read a letter to him, crying the whole time, and then I kissed his cold face good-bye. The last good-bye. The last time I will ever look into his face. The last time I will ever see my brother on this side of heaven. Good-bye, my big brother, good-bye. Today, at his funeral, we sat and cried as a family. We shared moments of our time with him. We even laughed a little bit. We celebrated his life. It was a bitter sweet celebration. We then went to the grave yard, and lowered his casket into the ground-- his final resting place. I walked away today knowing I loved my brother hard, he loved me hard. I want to live in such a way that I don't miss a moment. Life is fleeting, and I want to capture everything I can while I can. Live life large, love deeply, and cherish your loved ones. Good-bye, Nate.

Friday, March 13, 2009

What do I say

How do I express the depth of loss I feel? I don't know. I feel like a piece of me has died along with my brother. My brother, dead, how can that be? He was full of life- perhaps too full. He lived life to the extreme. I loved that about my brother. I hated that about my brother. He was never afraid to say his mind, to live out loud, to be adventurous. He was smart, yet made bad choices. He was so funny and had this contagious laughter-- I couldn't help but laugh along, even if it was something we shouldn't laugh at-- like the Chin (that's a joke between him and me) He was someone I always looked up, even when he was troubled. I couldn't help but look up to Nate. I couldn't help but love him. He knew me my whole life. He was there teaching me to swim, to ride a bike, to tumble. He helped me grow up in many ways, some ways were hard. I learned we can have the greatest families, and still choose drugs. I learned that sober Nate and not sober Nate were very different people. I learned to love him even when he wasn't himself. That to judge people is so very wrong, we just don't know where they're at in their journey. He was itching to have peace. He was always searching, not realizing that the God who loves him, wanted Nate to be at peace in Him. Nate did love Jesus. Nate always spoke of his relationship with Jesus. He was solid on that point. He just had an addiction-- to sin. Don't we all. Why does some sin kill? Why does some sin entice us to such depths? I don't know.
I sit and think of Nate. I think of how it seems like he was just here visiting me while I was pregnant. How thankful I am that I left a birthday party early to spend time with Nate. That was the last time I saw him. I will miss my big, spontaneous brother. I will miss his lanky hugs, his crooked smile, his insatiable laugh. I will even miss his teasing. I will love him forever, I will love him for always, as long as I'm living, my brother he'll be.
So much sorrow. How can I handle it? I don't know. I don't know.

Saturday, February 28, 2009


I'm thinking about doing a garden this year. I want to have fresh veggies right at my fingertips this year and so, I'm seriously thinking about getting out there and making it happen. I think I want to plant tomatoes, cause even though they're not my favorite veggie, they're really good for you and yummy in salads. I'm also thinking lettuce or cabbage, onions (maybe chives?), pumpkin, zucchini, peppers, and blueberries (which wouldn't produce this year, but would in future years). Possibly rosemary and and suggestions on other herbs? I have to do the planting in my front yard so the dog doesn't get into it... she's great at digging things up! Also, I get better sun in the planters of my front yard. So, the garden would be sort of all around the yard and not just in one spot. Do you think I'm being too ambitious? Any suggestions on veggies I've missed or should do instead. Hum, I'm dreaming of summer. Lazy hot days of summer! I can't wait for Cole to start walking, cause man, we're going to have fun this summer with him!!!
The End

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Hey, we're having a blast! Cole is doing wonderfully and really enjoyed some of the rides! He loved it's a small world! I would post pictures, but I'm not sure if Caleb brought the camera cords... so, if I can, I will. if now, it'll be when we get home. :)

Monday, February 16, 2009


God is so awesome! Hannah came home from the hospital today and it recovering at Lee and Nancy's home. Yea! We are so encouraged to see her recovery in her body and are praying for a recovery in her heart. Keep praying for her God journey!
On another note, we're going to DISNEYLAND tomorrow!!! Yea. I'm so excited. So, I'll post pictures of that trip later!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Update on Hannah

I just wanted to say a little update on Hannah. She's breathing on her own now and is awake. She's fully aware of her surroundings and who she is. As well as who we are. It's AMAZING! She doesn't remember anything that happened over the last week and they say she may never remember. So, we might never have answers to our questions. She's still in ICU, however, they're expecting to move her this weekend (hopefully!). Her feet are still tender and her right foot (the one with frost bite) is still deep purple at the toes and the bottom of her foot. However, things are healing at an incredible speed! Thanks for praying. We're not out of the water yet-- I feel like things are still unstable until she's out of ICU. Keep praying. Thanks!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Be Praying

Hi friends,
My Sis-in-law, Hannah was found on Sunday morning in the foothills of Boise with severe hypothermia--her body temp was 64 degrees and she had no pulse. Somehow the medical team at St Luke's brought her back to life and she is in the ICU. She is back to normal body temp and is responding to treatment better than we could ever have hoped for. She is moving and is trying to do sign language and she is responding to our voices-- last night when Caleb was visiting her, she was looking at him and started to cry when he told her he needed to go. She's in there! It's amazing. We don't know if there is any/what the brain damage is as we don't know how long she was out and without oxygen. She is on a respirator and today they're going to see if she can breathe on her own & then the next step will be swallowing on her own. She lost a shoe while she was out on the hill and so she's got some frostbite on her right foot. Pray for healing in her brain and toes. And for peace upon our family. Thank you. I'll update as soon as I know more.

Friday, February 6, 2009


So, my husband and son had their birthdays last week and I have been lazy about posting pictures. Because I have to load them onto the computer and then reformat them to post them and sometimes it gets to be a tedious project. However, I wanted to show off my kiddo (We actually didn't get any pictures of Caleb's birthday! Sad, huh?!) and his funny cup cake eating. Enjoy!
opening gifts... the paper was way more fun!
1st time at Bogus
this was just too funny
ninjas on grandpop's birthday

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Feeling better

I had a good long cry this weekend about Caleb's joining the Air Guard. Not because I don't want him to join, but because God is growing me and causing me to get out of my comfort zone. Once, I was able to express my heart on the matter and have Caleb listen and love me through it, I have been able to get excited about it. I've even been able to defend our choice and support my husband to someone who normally questions every life choice we make. It felt good. I know God is in this thing, because even though I'm uncomfortable, I'm a peace. God is the Prince of Peace, so having peace about our decision is huge. So, all of you out of town friends, be open to me visiting for a long weekend this fall! I'm going to need stuff to do. Also, anyone who wants to hang out with me-- come on over!

Monday, February 2, 2009

16 1/2 weeks

No, the 16 1/2 weeks does not pertain to pregnancy. It is how long Caleb will most likely be gone this fall. Let me back up a little bit....
So, last month Caleb came to me and told me he might want to be in the Air National Guard-- you know 1 weekend a month and 2 weeks a year. I wasn't too excited about it, yet I know the military has always been in his heart, so I've been praying about it and gathering information. Last week we went to visit with the recruiter out at Gowan Field Air base. We went over our list of questions and got lots of great information and 1 piece of not great information-- we found out that he'll be in boot camp for 8 1/2 weeks and then go straight to his job training for another 8 weeks. that's a grand total of 16 weeks. He'll probably leave in August and not get home until Christmas. That's a LONG time. The good points of the job are that he'll get a $20,000 bonus for joining, the GI bill and it's kicker (meaning he'll get about $675 a month if he goes to school full time) and also the tuition reimbursement from the state of Idaho for about $100 a credit (when he goes to school full time). We'll also be able to get better insurance and be able to stick it to Blue Cross forever. And, there's the VA retirement benefits and loan stuff. Now the big question I had was what about the war... well, I guess about 98% of the guys that are overseas with the Air Guard have volunteered. So, there's a 2% chance that he'll go against our wishes. That's not huge and he'll only have to go for 45-60 days. Not bad considering he'll be gone for training for 16 1/2 weeks!! So, all that to say, we're going to have huge changes this year. Pray for me... I don't look forward to the long separation. Yet, I know it's God and I know we can make it through and be better because of it.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

ER visit

So on Jan 3, at 5am, Caleb, Cole and Myself went to the ER because I had been up all night with severe pains in the right side of my stomach. I had puked about 10 times in 4 hours and was out of my mind in pain. This was way worse than childbirth. Way worse. We thought it might be my appendix. So, off we went to the ER. I got pain meds and a CT scan and was told that I had a major block in my intestines. So, laxatives, smooth move tea, and Epsom salt water was what I lived on for about a week. I was a little old woman who couldn't stand up straight because of the pain. And, I didn't want to eat because of the fear of more pain. I lost about 8 pounds that week (bummer, it didn't stay off!). I also had canceled my insurance because of their unwillingness to pay for Cole's birth... and hey, I don't ever get sick, haven't used my insurance at all for 3 years... so we decided together to cancel it. It took effect on Jan 1. Perfect, huh? Guess what I got in the mail today. The bill. $3899.66. That's a lot of money for a 2 hour visit to the hospital. A lot of Money!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I won!!

So many of you know that I've been in a huge, big, long fight with my insurance provider-- Blue Cross of Idaho-- over their unwillingness to cover the birth of my kiddo (last year 1/28!). I've appealed them 3 times and have made lots of phone calls (which, have you ever called the insurance company before- it's like a 30 minute minimum! And with a baby, that's an eternity!). I finally got a letter from the vice president saying that because they informed me badly, they were going to cover Cole's birth! Yea. I got excited, yet the check didn't come. So, I waited and gave them time, and all the while thought to myself that I wasn't actually going to get the check. Low and behold, yesterday I got the check!! All $1769.13 of it. I have to say that sometimes being a pain in the butt gets you what you want. So, I just wanted to #1 say that I'm so happy I won a fight against the man and #2 I am pleased to say that insurance isn't always a crock.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


tomorrow we're going snowboarding. I'm pretty excited. I feel like I'm a teenager again... except when I fall it hurts a lot more.
I can't think of anything else to say. So, that's that.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


All is quiet in my house. Cole is sleeping, Caleb is off doing some heroic deed for someone and I am home. The fire is burning out and I am sitting here thinking about life. I sometimes get angry or frustrated over small things and wonder why. Why do i care. Why can't I just live and love. I want to. I want to not get stuck. I look back at the last year- the year that has changed all of my future. The year that has defined me and changed me in ways I do not know how to express. I sit here thinking about my almost 1 year old. The sleeping baby in the other room-- the one who just 1 year ago, i still didn't know. I think about all the years to come, just 17 more with him in my house. All the changes that will take place, in our family, my personal life, and hopefully my spiritual journey. I am nostalgic tonight. I am feeling a bit old, a bit like a person I once knew, yet grown up all of a sudden. I have worries I never thought I would have, and fights I never wanted to have. Heck, I dream of refinishing our hard wood floors-- if that doesn't speak grown up, I don't know what does. yet, inside of me, I'm just a kid. A kid who is searching for love, for acceptance, and approval. I am a kid who doesn't feel like I'm 'doing' life right. Like somehow I threw the manual of life away and can't get it back.
I want to have joy to have freedom from the worries and stresses. I want to find it in the small things. I think I do-sometimes- and then I think I totally forget it because I'm cleaning diapers again. Can I find joy in that? I guess so, Cole is a baby and I am blessed with him. I want to find joy in it all and stop being grumpy. This is my first step-- acknowledging it. I can't change or heal what I do not acknowledge. I can have joy and not just live-- but really live.