Friday, March 13, 2009

What do I say


How do I express the depth of loss I feel? I don't know. I feel like a piece of me has died along with my brother. My brother, dead, how can that be? He was full of life- perhaps too full. He lived life to the extreme. I loved that about my brother. I hated that about my brother. He was never afraid to say his mind, to live out loud, to be adventurous. He was smart, yet made bad choices. He was so funny and had this contagious laughter-- I couldn't help but laugh along, even if it was something we shouldn't laugh at-- like the Chin (that's a joke between him and me) He was someone I always looked up, even when he was troubled. I couldn't help but look up to Nate. I couldn't help but love him. He knew me my whole life. He was there teaching me to swim, to ride a bike, to tumble. He helped me grow up in many ways, some ways were hard. I learned we can have the greatest families, and still choose drugs. I learned that sober Nate and not sober Nate were very different people. I learned to love him even when he wasn't himself. That to judge people is so very wrong, we just don't know where they're at in their journey. He was itching to have peace. He was always searching, not realizing that the God who loves him, wanted Nate to be at peace in Him. Nate did love Jesus. Nate always spoke of his relationship with Jesus. He was solid on that point. He just had an addiction-- to sin. Don't we all. Why does some sin kill? Why does some sin entice us to such depths? I don't know.
I sit and think of Nate. I think of how it seems like he was just here visiting me while I was pregnant. How thankful I am that I left a birthday party early to spend time with Nate. That was the last time I saw him. I will miss my big, spontaneous brother. I will miss his lanky hugs, his crooked smile, his insatiable laugh. I will even miss his teasing. I will love him forever, I will love him for always, as long as I'm living, my brother he'll be.
So much sorrow. How can I handle it? I don't know. I don't know.

8 comments:

Emily said...

I love you, Meg. I'm so sorry for your deep loss. I'm praying for you and wish I could be there to mourn with you. *hug*

Colin Mansfield said...

I love you Meggie.
It won't be the same without Nate. The pain of death isn't natural, God hates it.
Why did this have to happen?
That's the question I'm still wrestling with. That's the question that makes me cry.

I love you
Col

Shelley said...

Praying for you Meg. I'm sorry we didn't touch base this weekend. I'll try again this week. Hugs from Texas.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say hello! You're blog post was truly moving. I love you all! Wish I could be there to give you a hug! You are so special to us. We are praying for you.

Kim

Janet Kaiser said...

Dear Meg, your words are so very right on. We don't know why people choose the road we do at times. But we do know that in the journey, God is continuing to reach out to us, to show us the way. I know in the upcoming days, there will be much sorrow for all of us as we face the tragic reality and loss of our beloved Nate. Nathan Dennis Mansfield. A beautiful soul. A searching soul. A soul now at peace with Jesus. A soul that now knows the truth and is forever set free...

I love you dearly, Meggie. You are such a bright light to all of us. I cannot wait to hug you, sweetheart. You are precious...

See you Thursday...

Love,
Aunt Janet

Meggie said...

Thank you all for reading my blog. I don't have anything new to write. Just a lot of sorrow. Thank you for loving me, my family and my brother. Keep praying.

Anonymous said...

Dear Meg,
You all have been on my heart and in my prayers.
Do you wonder how everything around you can go on like normal, like, how can people just be driving down the road, looking as if they dont have a care in the world? Time has stopped for you at this time. My brother died when he was 34....I couldnt believe it. I couldnt bear the pain. I couldnt bear the whispers of judgment. God is good and faithful Megan, cling to HIM. Nate is with HIM and being closer to God you are not far from Nate. You will be always reaching and looking to heaven. Give your mom a hug for me. I love your family.
Faith Proctor

Hannah said...

So sorry to hear about your brother, Meg. Have been praying for your family.