Thursday, September 22, 2011

heartbreak warfare

With a glass of red wine in my hand, veggies from my garden sliced and ready to go into the oven, the smell of caramelized onion and pepper (from some else's garden) hanging in the air-- I'm wearing the swallows apron my Grandma Wanda (who passed away about 2 1/2 years ago) gave me, making a dinner that was brought to us after I had Cole, and mulling over my best friend's life change today (having twins!) all while listening to Heartbreak Warfare had not only created a magnanimously long run-on sentence, but also a reflective atmosphere in my soul. Just thought I would share.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Today is my 27th birthday and it's a little bit odd. I'm excited to be turning another year older and I'm excited to share birthday breakfast and movie and dinner with friends and family. But, I'm a little bit somber also. Nate's last birthday was 27. He spent it with my parent's and they went to the Cheese Cake Factory for dinner (which I actually thought might be fun for tonight, but then I remembered and it sort of creeped me out) and I talked to Nate and wished him a happy birthday. I think this was the last time I called Nate-- I know I didn't call him over the holidays and I didn't talk to him much in the new year (possibly once). This birthday phone call is the last real happy conversation I ever had with Nate-- on his 27th birthday. Now, I'm turning 27 and it's just odd. During the next year I will officially live longer than my older brother-- so does this make me older, or him? I'm not really sad, but rather reflective and just a little bummed out.. ya know, you're not suppose to become older than your older sibling. So, today is a start to more first without Nate. However, I've got a text message saved from him on an old phone-- a Happy Birthday message from when I turned 24-- it's nice to read and think he's probably sending me a message today, but our frequency isn't the same any more. I do have to shout out to my family and friend who are making this day a very fun day. Thanks for loving me even when things are a little "off".

Monday, September 12, 2011


I haven't really wanted to share this, but I'm getting a bit annoyed with people giving me the "hint" that we should start trying for a second child. WE ARE TRYING. We aren't succeeding. It's been a year. I'm told this is "normal", but it feels like an eternity to me, as I've seen people get pregnant, have babies, and those babies are almost starting to crawl now. My favorite girl's name was used by a friend of a friend (so I guess we can still use it, but it feels like a "used" name now) and people who started trying after me are having babies now. I'm feeling a little left in the dust. People I love are on their 3rd or 4th babies while we're still a "new" family with only 1 child. I also can't quite get use to the idea that our family is going to be spread out a bit more that we had planned, and I don't really like it. I pictured having all of my babies before 30. Now I either need to have twins or become a baby making machine to get a few more out while I'm still in my 20's. So, that's looking grim. People, I will tell you when we are pregnant. I will probably shout it from the roofs, because I want another baby so bad. Please don't hint any more, I know that we're due, and I want one too... just have to wait and pray and see oh have fun with the hubs. OK, enough about that. Did I mention that my birthday is in 2 days? I'll expect cards and flowers! ;)