Friday, May 25, 2012

Graduation

I realize this is slightly late, but I haven't been able to figure out our new camera to post pictures on here, and I figured that pictures are a huge part of this story. So, I broke down and asked my hubby to please upload the pictures onto the computer and viola, there they are.

I think after so much hard work it is difficult to put into words the emotions and feelings of accomplishment I have from graduating. I will try.

I had a goal and I worked very diligently to achieve it. I was a Summa Cum Laude which means that I was able to keep my gpa quite high (4.0-3.6 throughout my whole college career). I fought to make this happen. I had to take night classes one at a time for many semesters because it was too expensive to go full time, and we are apart of the wonderful middle class who generally doesn't qualify for any funding. I did the pay as you go route. It is a long a tedious route. At the beginning of my college career, someone told me that 10 years would go by and I could either chip away at my degree and accomplish it slowly, or I could wait and hope that I would get the time and money to go full time and I might not actually do it at all. Either way, 10 years would go by. It was my choice to do what I wanted to do, or not. I chose to do it.

In these last 7 years of school, I went through life events--a newly wed, working full time, pregnancy (taking a semester off while I recovered from child birth), the near death experience of my sister-in-law, the death of my brother, the death of my grandma, my husband being sent to Air Force training for 2 instances for months at a time, figuring out childcare that benefited both my child and our financial pocketbook, working & being a mom & finally getting to go to school full time, and another pregnancy. It has been a long road and I have felt like quitting many times. I didn't. I don't really blame anyone who does quit, but I wonder if I can get through all the stuff I did while going to school and earning good grades, why do some people give up? I don't know. I do know, that bred in me, the blood from my dad and mom's family says to never, never, never give up. And, so I didn't.

Those closest to me celebrated and cheered me on while I walked across the stage and accepted my diploma. My husband and small son, my brother (who was in junior high when I started and now just completed his sophomore year of college), my parents, and close friends. I could not have done this without the support and encouragement I got from all of them. (I am also thankful that a community college opened so I could afford to go full time!)

I was blown away at my parents, who flew my brother Colin, from New York, to see me graduate. He was here for 1 day. It was the most meaning surprise and gift I could have ever asked for. It is a moment in time I will always cherish. Because of the loss of our older sibling, there is always a hole in our family-- Nate (my older deceased brother) would have been here and I was feeling his loss so much. I really wanted Colin to be here, but New York is so very far away I knew there was no chance he would be able to come. When he stepped into my house it was almost like magic. I know Nate was somewhere close watching, because the gaping hole was not present that weekend. I have never felt so loved.






Tuesday, May 8, 2012

better

Hey friends, just wanted to say a quick word of thanks for all the texts, emails, calls, and posts. I wasn't sure about putting my thoughts (vent) out in this venue, but figured it is more of a journal for me than for anyone else. So, I did it. I now realize that part of the thing that is so encouraging about social media is the support and love one can receive from a simple post. So, thanks. I needed the prayer and love.

I'm feeling much better. I needed a day to melt down-- things got overwhelming and it's ok for me to acknowledge how it's hard to juggle everything. It's not ok to stay in that place. Realizing that I am a smart, valuable woman, putting in the hard work and effort in to achieve my goal, and then getting it (ie diploma and baby!) is what this whole month is about.... so all that to say, my perspective is where it should be and I'm moving forward.

I passed that silly excel test yesterday (thanks Terry for helping me study!) and I've got a math test today (prayers are appreciated!) and then I'm officially done with my college career. I'm thrilled to say that even getting married young, and taking 1 or 2 classes a semester (it took me 4 semesters to finally become a degree seeking student!), I still achieved my goal of higher education. For me it was never about a job, but rather proving to myself that I was smart enough and had the fortitude to do it. I wanted to be educated for educations sake. I know that I am a deeper woman because of the sacrifices and time spent learning all that information. I am thankful for the teachers who were excellent and also who were crummy, because beyond just the "school" thing, I have really learned about human nature and what it looks like to grow with others or let them jade you (good teacher vs bad teacher), to love a bit of information and give that love to me. More than anything I think this time in my life has shown me that no matter what I want or how long it might take to get there, I can achieve my goals.

My new goals include: art time with Cole (at least this month and in the fall), reading good books (Caleb has a list for me about 2 feet long!), having a healthy baby girl, learning how to love each of my children in the way they need it, and picking up art for myself again. I know I'm having a new baby soon, but I do look forward to the day where I can clean my house, make dinner, and spend time with my kids without feeling pulled in a million directions. So, perhaps my real goal is simplicity.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Overwhelmed

Warning:: I am seriously hormonal and in need of a large steak... This is going to be a rant. Read at your own risk.

Can I just say I'm so overwhelmed that I came home and climbed into bed crying just a few minutes ago. I'm tired of school, of someone else dictating how I should do something and telling me I am a failure when I don't do it the 'right way'. I have to take this silly excel test and pass it to graduate, however I will never in my life use excel. I will use anything other than excel. I have now failed this test 3 times. According to the study guide, I know how to do everything, but they have some sort of specific key strokes they want from me... And I'm not getting it. I really don't care, but I really want to walk in a week.... So I guess I have to care. I have to keep taking this test until I pass it, and I've got until next Friday to do it. Thrilling, huh? Oh, and while I am on the subject of school, I have this portfolio to complete that is worth a huge portion of my grade-- what's it on, you might say? It is all the essays I've written in the past 2 years in order to get a freaking job at a school. Not only am I not going on to get my BA, but I'm not going to ever show this to anyone or try to get a job with it. It is completely unnecessary and busy work. Like I have nothing else going in my life. Oh and I've had the most horrific teacher of my college career this semester. Note to anyone thinking of taking a class from Susan Knights--- Stay Away! She's not only the worst teacher I've ever had, but impossible to please. I have no idea how to study successfully for my final in her class, because every time I have studied, it has paid off with a low b or a c. Great for my gpa (thankfully, this semester doesn't count for the honor cords!). I even have gotten answers right, but she didn't like the way I did them, so I got marked down. There are 3 different colors of ink on each previous test and I get this overwhelmed stomach ache when I even look at them, let alone try to study from them. I want to cry. Well, in fact I did cry just a few minutes ago. I'm so over school. Not sure if I can successfully navigate the next week.

Then there's the subject of food. I CAN NOT EAT ANYTHING! I'm so terrified of getting sick again that I end up going long hours without food (for example, today I've had a cup of water, coffee, 2 pieces of toast and an apple and it is 4pm). Nothing I can eat sounds good. I just want to eat a freaking steak or a grilled cheese, or heck I would settle for a hot dog. But, because I don't want to feel like dying from the pain, I settle for some sort of dish made for people who actually want to eat this way. I'm not sure why anyone would forgo real food for rabbit food, but they're out there. I'm so hungry all the time.

Then there's pregnancy. I am excited to meet this little girl, however I am so over being pregnant. It's cool when someone else is pregnant. They are cute, and you don't have to deal with the not sleeping, the peeing all the time, the cravings for food (which I can't do anything about), the not being able to roll over in bed without huge effort, the being kicked from within for hours, the exhaustion, the hormones (which I'm sure is what is making this week seem completely un-accomplish able), and various other unpleasant pregnancy issues-- oh let's remember being put in the hospital for pregnancy related gallbladder problems. And the subsequent diet, but having already covered that, I'll leave it alone.

On a last and final rant, I am sick of living with a disobedient child. He neither respects me nor listens to me and I am not sure what to do (going to a parenting conference this weekend, so please stay away from advise). What I want to do is stick him in front of the tv, because I lack the energy to properly deal with him. He is the strongest willed human being out there and I am sure this will aid him in his future, it is entirely frustrating for me as a parent. I feel like the largest failure ever. If I cannot guide him to making good choices and being obedient, how in the world did I ever think I could or should have another one. I do not feel prepared to have another human being to mold. I prayed for a mellow child with him, but with this current baby, I have stayed away from any of that sort of prayer, because if God interpreted Cole as being a mellow child, then I certainly do not want another mellow one.

I'm sure I could come up with more things to rant about, but I feel a bit better and don't think I need to go on. I'll go find some carrots to munch on and hope I get full. I'll also try to study tonight and hope I can pass my tests. And, maybe I'll get lucky and Cole will go to bed this evening without a fuss.

If you think of me, please pray for me.... I think I could use it.

Thanks for reading.