Thursday, May 3, 2012


Warning:: I am seriously hormonal and in need of a large steak... This is going to be a rant. Read at your own risk.

Can I just say I'm so overwhelmed that I came home and climbed into bed crying just a few minutes ago. I'm tired of school, of someone else dictating how I should do something and telling me I am a failure when I don't do it the 'right way'. I have to take this silly excel test and pass it to graduate, however I will never in my life use excel. I will use anything other than excel. I have now failed this test 3 times. According to the study guide, I know how to do everything, but they have some sort of specific key strokes they want from me... And I'm not getting it. I really don't care, but I really want to walk in a week.... So I guess I have to care. I have to keep taking this test until I pass it, and I've got until next Friday to do it. Thrilling, huh? Oh, and while I am on the subject of school, I have this portfolio to complete that is worth a huge portion of my grade-- what's it on, you might say? It is all the essays I've written in the past 2 years in order to get a freaking job at a school. Not only am I not going on to get my BA, but I'm not going to ever show this to anyone or try to get a job with it. It is completely unnecessary and busy work. Like I have nothing else going in my life. Oh and I've had the most horrific teacher of my college career this semester. Note to anyone thinking of taking a class from Susan Knights--- Stay Away! She's not only the worst teacher I've ever had, but impossible to please. I have no idea how to study successfully for my final in her class, because every time I have studied, it has paid off with a low b or a c. Great for my gpa (thankfully, this semester doesn't count for the honor cords!). I even have gotten answers right, but she didn't like the way I did them, so I got marked down. There are 3 different colors of ink on each previous test and I get this overwhelmed stomach ache when I even look at them, let alone try to study from them. I want to cry. Well, in fact I did cry just a few minutes ago. I'm so over school. Not sure if I can successfully navigate the next week.

Then there's the subject of food. I CAN NOT EAT ANYTHING! I'm so terrified of getting sick again that I end up going long hours without food (for example, today I've had a cup of water, coffee, 2 pieces of toast and an apple and it is 4pm). Nothing I can eat sounds good. I just want to eat a freaking steak or a grilled cheese, or heck I would settle for a hot dog. But, because I don't want to feel like dying from the pain, I settle for some sort of dish made for people who actually want to eat this way. I'm not sure why anyone would forgo real food for rabbit food, but they're out there. I'm so hungry all the time.

Then there's pregnancy. I am excited to meet this little girl, however I am so over being pregnant. It's cool when someone else is pregnant. They are cute, and you don't have to deal with the not sleeping, the peeing all the time, the cravings for food (which I can't do anything about), the not being able to roll over in bed without huge effort, the being kicked from within for hours, the exhaustion, the hormones (which I'm sure is what is making this week seem completely un-accomplish able), and various other unpleasant pregnancy issues-- oh let's remember being put in the hospital for pregnancy related gallbladder problems. And the subsequent diet, but having already covered that, I'll leave it alone.

On a last and final rant, I am sick of living with a disobedient child. He neither respects me nor listens to me and I am not sure what to do (going to a parenting conference this weekend, so please stay away from advise). What I want to do is stick him in front of the tv, because I lack the energy to properly deal with him. He is the strongest willed human being out there and I am sure this will aid him in his future, it is entirely frustrating for me as a parent. I feel like the largest failure ever. If I cannot guide him to making good choices and being obedient, how in the world did I ever think I could or should have another one. I do not feel prepared to have another human being to mold. I prayed for a mellow child with him, but with this current baby, I have stayed away from any of that sort of prayer, because if God interpreted Cole as being a mellow child, then I certainly do not want another mellow one.

I'm sure I could come up with more things to rant about, but I feel a bit better and don't think I need to go on. I'll go find some carrots to munch on and hope I get full. I'll also try to study tonight and hope I can pass my tests. And, maybe I'll get lucky and Cole will go to bed this evening without a fuss.

If you think of me, please pray for me.... I think I could use it.

Thanks for reading.


Chad Estes said...

No advice here. Just love.

Feel free to bring that young man over here if you need a break some afternoon. He and I can go to the park together or I could just sit on him.


Trespasser said...

You're a woman of character and a stunning human being. I'm so glad to call you a friend and I know that your frustrations, though temporary, seem daunting. You, however, are a "chin-up" kinda gal and I know you'll overcome these hindrances with your head held high. Much love from this sector.

Becca said...

You, dear lady, are nothing but fantastic! School is school. You go through the motions and when it is all done, you continue. You will get this. Don't worry. Think about your wonderful immediate & extended family, and your friends. They are there to help you every step of the way.

Love - Love - Love You!

MistyCzes said...

See you at the conference... feeling the need for it too :) Looking forward to seeing you there!
Love you