Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Thankfulness

So I don't feel like being thankful.  Lately I have been sinking.  I can feel it.  I know when things just aren't right and I know how I act and I know what I do.  I don't have a lot of self care going right now and that needs to change.  I am going to take baths (even if I feel like a giant squeezed into a tiny doll tub) and I'm going to use those birthday gift cards for massages, and I'm going to paint, because honestly feel like bitching and complaining and giving in to the frustration of this season of life and that would translate into mass amounts of tv and sleeping every moment I can, and taking care of kids needs but not their hearts.  I do however know that while that makes me feel better to give in to the darkness for about 32 seconds, it's not beneficial to me or anyone I am spewing my sadness all over...  so I am going to be thankful AND I'm going to give myself a bed time.

November is all about warm apple cider, celebrating our vets, the crisp smell of fallen leaves, rain storms at night, the giggles of kids splashing in puddles or jumping in piles of leaves.  It's about Thanksgiving-- the meal, the family time, the parade, the mulled wine, the puzzles or games.  It is a terrific time of year and it really is one of my favorites.  I love being outside in summer, but something happens when it's cool and brisk and I can see all the colors of the season from my sun room, yet I can be cozy under a blanket.  There's something magic about being cozy and reading a book or sipping on coffee from the comfort of my house.  I think I also just really love the permission to sit around and be cozy that Autumn affords to me.

So, I am going to be thankful. I am going to relish all the really wonderful things about my life and do my best at taking care of the daily grind items without a huge complaint.  I want to be a person who sees beauty in life.

I also know I've been needy and I hate having to ask for help, but as I sense myself slipping into the darkness, I realize I need some extra prayers and some extra help.  I am overwhelmed with the yard and I am overwhelmed with my fall house cleaning-- you know the extra stuff that has to get done before winter really hits.  If you want to help me, I'll be doing a big push at fall yard clean up on November 19 from 1-4 and would love help.  I will need help with raking, putting yard stuff away, cleaning up my garden, cleaning the gutters, pruning my giant vines and small maple tree in the front yard.  I have some rakes and I'll have bags, but I don't have anything to prune trees with.  If anyone else would like to come and help me dust, do baseboards, deep clean bathrooms, wash summer hand prints off walls and windows, I would gladly appreciate the help.  I feel like I should be able to do it all and it's really hard to realize that I am just not there.  I just can't.  If I spend all my energy on the tasks I know I won't have anything to give to my kids who are struggling so much with their dad being away.

So, there you have it.  I am being vulnerable in a way that is hard for me.  Thanks for reading and thanks for continuing on in the journey with me.  Life is beautiful even when it seems hard to get through each moment.