Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Week!

Hi friends. I made it through finals and have maintained my 3.5 gpa, so I'm happy! I've done a few things on my list... like I've spent a significant time in my sweats and have watched way too much tv. I also decided to clean some bathrooms... and I'm not sure how Caleb's been showering in his shower... gross! Well, not now, so we're all good. I've finished my shopping, and have done most of my wrapping. Cole and I baked sugar cookies (yup, I bought a rolling pin!) and we've eaten most of them. I've spent time with friends, my little brother, and by myself. It's been nice. Oh, and Cole has his Ikea tent set up in the front room, cause there's a tree set up, so it's sorta like being in the woods! :)

I'm now really looking forward to Christmas with my little guy! He had just 3 things on his list, so Santa is being totally obliging! I know he's going to love it.

Also, update on my pregnancy, it's going good. There's really nothing to report. We are going to find out the gender in January and will tell as soon as we know! I also need to snap a belly picture-- I can't believe tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks. I'm not looking so much pregnant, but rather like I've gained 10 pounds in my gut since Thanksgiving-- it's really cute.

OK, well, that's the update here. Hope you're enjoying your Christmas week and I'm looking forward to spying pictures of Christmas on fb.

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Finals, Finals, Finals

I really should have my nose in a math book or be editing my final essay.... but I'm not. Try as I might, inspiration isn't coming to me, so I thought I would share all the fun things I plan on doing over the Christmas break!
-Visit with friends
-Take Cole swimming at the YMCA
-Purchase a rolling pin and then make sugar cookies (who doesn't own a rolling pin? Seriously, how can I be in my 8th year of marriage and not own one!)
-Read meaningless books
-Watch silly TV and movies
-Go to the movies with a friend (Tara?!)
-Meal Plan and then make real dinners (which is possible now that I'm past the "food is so nasty" stage of pregnancy)
-Actually clean my house-- I'm talking basic stuff, but stuff I've put off far too long, and now I'll have a bunch more time to do it!
-Finish my Christmas Shopping as well as the few hand crafted gifts I've been making for MONTHS.
-Go on adventure walks with Cole
-Go to the library for story hour (again, for Cole!)
-Sleep in and have at least 1 PJ day

Ok, so that's the list I've decided on currently, but I'm sure there's time to add more. I just have to study for a few hours tonight, take a final tomorrow, finish my essay and then take another final on Sunday/Monday.... I can do it. Easy peasy. I guess the best motivation is realizing that life will be so much more fun in a few short days.

I've talked myself into studying, so night all. See you next week!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


I was thinking that it's been a long time since I posted pictures... so here are a few.

Friday, November 25, 2011

It's been a LONG time

It's been a very long time. It seems as though in September when school isn't too busy, I'm able to think about blogging a lot more, but when it comes right down to it, I don't have very good follow through. Life gets busy and I've been tired.

The tired I've been feeling is a justified and happy tired.

In October we found out that we're having a baby! I'm now 11 weeks pregnant and have been feeling every moment of it, which is to say, I'm tired, sick, and have had horrendous heart burn. We're excited, thankful, and seeing God's hand in the timing.

The story goes: after trying to get prego for a year, we decided to see a fertility doc about what to do next. We went into the appointment and they did a pregnancy test and low and behold, we left there with glowing smiles talking baby names. Pretty good doc, huh? Only one appointment was needed! So, this means in about 29+- weeks, we will be welcoming a new little Roe into our house. (Those of you who aren't into calculating the weeks thing, the due date is June 14)

Please join with us in praying for this new little life, for energy to chase after Cole, and that I would finish my education strong (only 4 more credits next semester and I'm done!!). Oh, and if any of you have maternity clothes they want to loan me, I'm happy to wear them for the next few months--turns out 2nd babies do show a LOT sooner! I already have a little baby belly... if I wasn't in sweats I would take a belly shot for you... next time.

Thanks to all those who were praying! We're truly blessed!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

heartbreak warfare

With a glass of red wine in my hand, veggies from my garden sliced and ready to go into the oven, the smell of caramelized onion and pepper (from some else's garden) hanging in the air-- I'm wearing the swallows apron my Grandma Wanda (who passed away about 2 1/2 years ago) gave me, making a dinner that was brought to us after I had Cole, and mulling over my best friend's life change today (having twins!) all while listening to Heartbreak Warfare had not only created a magnanimously long run-on sentence, but also a reflective atmosphere in my soul. Just thought I would share.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Today is my 27th birthday and it's a little bit odd. I'm excited to be turning another year older and I'm excited to share birthday breakfast and movie and dinner with friends and family. But, I'm a little bit somber also. Nate's last birthday was 27. He spent it with my parent's and they went to the Cheese Cake Factory for dinner (which I actually thought might be fun for tonight, but then I remembered and it sort of creeped me out) and I talked to Nate and wished him a happy birthday. I think this was the last time I called Nate-- I know I didn't call him over the holidays and I didn't talk to him much in the new year (possibly once). This birthday phone call is the last real happy conversation I ever had with Nate-- on his 27th birthday. Now, I'm turning 27 and it's just odd. During the next year I will officially live longer than my older brother-- so does this make me older, or him? I'm not really sad, but rather reflective and just a little bummed out.. ya know, you're not suppose to become older than your older sibling. So, today is a start to more first without Nate. However, I've got a text message saved from him on an old phone-- a Happy Birthday message from when I turned 24-- it's nice to read and think he's probably sending me a message today, but our frequency isn't the same any more. I do have to shout out to my family and friend who are making this day a very fun day. Thanks for loving me even when things are a little "off".

Monday, September 12, 2011


I haven't really wanted to share this, but I'm getting a bit annoyed with people giving me the "hint" that we should start trying for a second child. WE ARE TRYING. We aren't succeeding. It's been a year. I'm told this is "normal", but it feels like an eternity to me, as I've seen people get pregnant, have babies, and those babies are almost starting to crawl now. My favorite girl's name was used by a friend of a friend (so I guess we can still use it, but it feels like a "used" name now) and people who started trying after me are having babies now. I'm feeling a little left in the dust. People I love are on their 3rd or 4th babies while we're still a "new" family with only 1 child. I also can't quite get use to the idea that our family is going to be spread out a bit more that we had planned, and I don't really like it. I pictured having all of my babies before 30. Now I either need to have twins or become a baby making machine to get a few more out while I'm still in my 20's. So, that's looking grim. People, I will tell you when we are pregnant. I will probably shout it from the roofs, because I want another baby so bad. Please don't hint any more, I know that we're due, and I want one too... just have to wait and pray and see oh have fun with the hubs. OK, enough about that. Did I mention that my birthday is in 2 days? I'll expect cards and flowers! ;)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The great To Do list

I've been on vacation mode for a while now. I think because I know it's going to end in a week. How come summer stretched on forever when I was little and now I blink and it's gone? Questions to ponder.

OK, so the real reason for posting today is my To Do list. I thought you guys might like to see a glimpse into my world and how I get everything done. (Nothing like tooting my own horn, huh?)

For starters I have a 3x5 binder that keeps me organized. It has pages for every day of the month and a chore that corresponds with that date. Example: 1st Clean Guest Bathroom, 2nd Laundry, 3rd sweep kitchen and dust front room. I've got random things like wipe all the door knobs down with disinfectant (because it's one of those things I always wanted to do, but couldn't ever remember to do) and clean out the fridge the day before I'm scheduled to grocery shop (because really, who wants to do that all in one day?!)

The other helpful thing I do is make a list of things I must get done during the week, that way I actually get everything done, and I know what I've got to get done.

I also like to have a plan for food. If I am not intentional, then we either have a smoothie for dinner (which I like, but I'm guessing that my boys don't!), we eat hodge-podge, or we eat out. Also, because we haven't been eating bread, rice, or pasta, the food thing takes a little more work. I have to make a plan to keep us eating healthy. So, I try to write out our dinner options, occasionally combing through my cookbooks to find something new and bread free.

This week I'm doing extra cleaning (because like I stated earlier, I've been on vacation mode, and my house looks like it!) and de-cluttering.

Here's to this next week of planning for new beginnings and upkeep of the old. I like to think of spending my time, and not just using it or loosing it. At least, when I'm not on vacation mode that is!

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Today is another day where I've got a million things to do. However I wanted to take a moment to talk about my big brother Nate, whose birthday it is today. He would be 30 if he were still alive. He was a man with a huge heart, always wanting to help those in need, a constant tease, a fast talker, ADD, always scheming for the next thing to do, an avid Nintendo player, an athlete, someone who valued family, and most of all, he was my big brother.

I miss him everyday.

I think about him and talk about him more now that he's unavailable to me. It's weird how that happened-- how come I couldn't think to call him when he was alive, and now all I want to do is call him.

Take a moment today and call those who you love and haven't talked to in a while.

I love you, Nate, and wish things had been different. Happy 30th Birthday.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I've started this post 4 times now and I don't really know what to say. I've been gardening, reading text books, knitting, watching Harry Potter movies, reading mediocre literature about marriage, and I cracked open the good old trusty quote book from high school. So, I will leave you with a few fantastic quotes:

"Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result." -Winston Churchill

"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive." -Robert Louis Stevenson

"Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." -Phyllis Diller

OK, maybe they weren't fantastic, but they make me think of high school and that is fun to think about.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Where the Wild Things Are

Tonight as I was snuggling my kidlet, he reached over his bed and grabbed his copy of Where the Wild Things are. I've read it to him many times, and he loves it. It is a fantastic story of a naughty child who gets sent to bed without his supper and either has a wonderful imagination or falls asleep. He has an adventure and meets the Wild Things. He discovers that he's actually lonely for someone who loves him. He chooses to come home and his momma has brought his dinner into him and it's still hot.

OK, so I'm sure most of you have read this story and maybe you get it and maybe you don't. It doesn't really matter.

What matters is, I opened the book and there was a message from Uncle Nate and Aunt Ginny inside the front cover. It said they couldn't wait to meet baby Roe and that this book was Nate's favorite as a little boy. The note also mentioned how they couldn't wait to read this book to him, and someday when he's big, for him to read it to them.

Whoa. It was like a sack of bricks falling on me. The instant tears. I sat in bed with my three year old and sobbed. Gut wrenching sobs of the things that will never be. It was only a few minutes, and Cole waited patiently as the tears fell.

Then in his gentle loving voice, he asked me what was wrong and told me he loved me. He has truly been my grief partner-- I don't mean that in a bad way; merely in the sense that he has been there with me when everyone else has been gone. I know that God gave me Cole during the most difficult time of my life to grow me, help me not become selfish, and to see love in his brilliant blue eyes.

So, we read and had an adventure both with Max and Cole. We snuggled and sang Beatles songs (so much for the lullaby tonight, huh?!) and he feel asleep. I have been mulling his love and grace for me over and over in my mind. How blessed I am to be Cole's Momma.

Thursday, June 30, 2011


Cole and I did some painting last night. I have to say, I didn't want to, but as he really wanted to and once the paints were out, it seemed like a great idea. So, after he was done, and in the bath, I worked on mine.

The significance to the tree changing seasons is just that. Life is full of seasons, and I have been in winter for a very long time. Spring is finally here, and it is good to realize that each season is only for a time. It is good to be where you are, and it is good to move into the next season.

To everything there is a season and a purpose to everything under heaven...A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance.

May dancing begin in my life.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I've been looking at my stats...

So, who knew there were people all over the world looking at my blog-- 12 countries just today. go figure. I do hope someone out there is inspired.

Things here are going good. I've officially finished my first knitting project! I started and finished it all by myself! My kidlet asked me to make him a wash cloth... and he's been sleeping with it every night! What a cutie. And, what an encouragement to me to keep learning and growing and creating.

I've got a painting of a half finished tree sitting on the desk in my entry, and I'm pretty sure I need to carve out some time (possible tomorrow as it is suppose to be 96 degrees!) to paint. I know Cole would be over the moon to work with me.

The real reason I'm writing is not to update you on my projects, however that is part of my journey, but to be real.

My heart is full of joy.

It hasn't been this way in some time. Probably about 2 1/2 years. I am truly joyfilled to be in this life I am living. Sometimes I'm sure I cram too much in, but even though I was busy all day today-- rushing from one thing to the next, I sat down tired tonight and was able to cuddle with Cole and realize that life is full of the moment. I can either choose to live a life planned out, full of fear and the unknown, with a lot of stress, or I can do my very best in this one moment I've got.

I think that's what I missed in my relationship with Nate. I was always hoping that he would get better and that someday we would be friends... I never did get that day. We never were able to connect and we both truly missed out on relationship.

I've realized that much of my grief journey has been about the things I missed with Nate-- that he either was there high, or not there at all, and now won't be there. I have forgotten the eternal perspective of life. We are not just walking this earth-- we are eternal beings. Either we walk into eternity with Christ (after giving our lives to him here on earth), or we walk into an eternity with Satan (after ignoring the promptings of Jesus, and choosing another path). I know that Nate turned his life to Jesus-- I know that he believed. I'm sure that God has given me hope in Nate's salvation. Therefore, why do I weep and mourn as one that does not have hope? I will have the relationship with Nate that I have always wanted, just not for another 70 years. Things really worth having are worth waiting for, right? So, this is going to be one really awesome reunion.

Happy 1st day of Summer (to those in the N. Hemisphere!).

Monday, June 6, 2011

my heart awakens

It's been a week or so since I decided to clean house of all distractions. Well, not all distractions... but I've scaled back quite a bit! It feels like my heart is starting to beat once again.

I've been creating. I've learned to knit, read Alice in Wonderland, cleaned, painted part of a painting, spent some quality time with friends, and best of all prayed for some heart healing.

I believe we were all created to create, it's a natural function of communion with Christ. My problem is I wasn't spending time with God. It's not that I didn't, it's that I didn't want to. I wanted to live my life in the hurt and pain, and sometimes I wanted to feel better, but I didn't want to go the extra step and actually get some healing from God. I didn't, because that step was just too painful.

As I sat and learned to knit, my friend just listened to my brokenness and asked if we could pray. Giving the pain and hurt to God in a radical and simple way. I'm sure I would not have had the courage to give into the pain alone. The pain is just to difficult to touch, let alone dig. We started the deep process of surgery that night and again a few days later. I'm not done, not even close, yet I see some progress-- my heart is awakening. The healing is happening. My soul really does long for Christ's love and peace.

I'm open, I'm listening to the quiet, worshiping in his creation, and remembering what it really means to love life.

For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel just a glimmer of me.

Monday, May 23, 2011

saying good-bye to the distractions in my life

I believe there is a time and a season to everything. I believe that sitting on the couch and watching other people live out their lives in tv shows can bring a bit of peace when there is none in your life. However, I'm going to make a change. I use to love to write and read and paint. I use to create. I have to come to the conclusion that I MUST do those things again. Simply put, I am withering away, and I need to remember who I am.

I am a confident, courageous, lovable, and mellow woman.

I'm pretty sure I have not been acting in that role. I have been set on survive for far too long.

What does it look like to stop just surviving and start thriving? Well, it starts with turning off the TV, the computer (I know, it's ironic that I'm blogging this, huh?!), and fb. It means more one on one contact. More park trips with my kidlet, a trip to the store to get paint and canvas, sewing supplies, and most of all it means, learning to be me again.

I don't want to give my power away to Nate anymore. I don't want to continue to blame the problems I've been facing in my life since he died on him anymore. There was a time and a place for that. Now is the time to forgo the couch (maybe couch time is OK when reading!) and be that courageous, mellow woman who enjoys tea and painting.

So, does anyone want to hang out with a cup of tea and enjoy a good conversation, paint a picture, or have a park date with me. Cause, I'm ready. Oh, and I think I should probably clean my house again!

I just want to warn you guys, I'm going to check my email and fb about once a day. So, if you want to communicate with me, call me.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Seeds and Life

Whew, I've made it through another half semester and looks like things are going to ramp up before they end... however, I can make it. I must. I sometimes wonder why I am going to school. Why would I choose to put myself into stress? I think the reason is I want to look back at my life and know that I did not live in fear. I want to live a life of adventure. So, currently my adventure doesn't look too spontaneous, and often it is lived on other people's schedules. However, the adventure for me, is simply doing what I wouldn't ordinarily do. The count down has begun to the end of the semester, a few more credits down, a few more this summer, a few more next year, and poof.. done.

Cole and I planted seeds for our garden today. Every year I want to make the garden a place where we can grow and learn and eat from. So far, it's really only been a learning experience. It's a dang good thing I have never had to grow food to feed my family, because I'm pretty sure we would all have resorted to eating the bark off the trees in the back yard. My green thumb is taking a long time to grow... no pun intended. lol. This year we've got a whole huge pile of compost, I'm going to buy some manure (go figure growing food in poop.. gross right, but "they" say it works), and I've started the wee, tiny seeds inside this year. So, wish me luck, if not for the food, but for the learning process my son is sure to have. I can't wait to see the garden from his eyes. If all else fails, I know the grape vine produces... so, we can have grape jam again next year.

So, realistically, I would love to write every week, but as I'm not a great blogger, lets just say, I'll see you in a month (that's when school is out!).

Monday, January 10, 2011

Another Week

So, it's been a pj's week so far. I'm feeling rather slothful. However, knowing that school starts up again in a week, sorta makes me feel better about waiting to take a shower until 1pm (OK, some times it's been later! gasp!). I have been stuck at home without a car and with no motivation to really do anything but lounge around and hang out with my little one. So, that's what I've been doing. I'm thinking that maybe I should do art projects with my kiddo this week, so that we're doing something fun and constructive, and let's face it, it's really difficult to stay at home all day with a 3 year old and have nothing to do. Well, that's not entirely true, there's been TV. Which, I'm thinking needs to be cut out (maybe just 2 days a week?). We get too much screen time in... maybe tomorrow we'll do a art project (as long as someone gives me a suggestion) and then we'll bundle up and rake leaves (yes, we've still got those, as our oaks don't drop them until the end of December). Sounds really nice as I'm sitting in a quiet house, smelling bread bake, and feeling all cozy and warm. But, for now, I think I'll go sip on my Malibu rum hot cocoa and watch a movie while thinking about how my freedom to do these types of activities is going to stop soon.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Friendship and bread

I've been baking again. Our house has been filled with the aroma of bread dough rising and then the warmth of the oven as it bakes into deliciousness. I've also been spending time with friends and savoring the moments where we get to live. The moments of cooking for each other, of meeting in homes and not spending money to get together, but just time and possibility; creating an environment where my child gets to play among the aroma of life and bread. I am loving every moment of life right now. The teaching moments wherein my child needs to be corrected, the joy of his tender heart; reading and laughing together after. The moments where I get to make a new food, not because I am too poor to go out; I am greatly enjoying the idea of food being energy we put into our bodies, and that energy should be of good high quality. The moments in the evening where it is cold and dark out, yet cheery and spirited in the house with thoughts of future adventures we will take (planning the ever returning vacation!) and games being played or movies being watched. I am content with life as it is. Of my family, my house, my furniture, my stuff-- the ability to dream of a new baby someday and find joy in waiting until God places that special person in our lives. Of sewing and painting and creating. I am full with ideas and love.
Tomorrow the library and then friends in different places throughout the day. Oh, and bread, I need to bake bread. Maybe cookies too!