It's been a week or so since I decided to clean house of all distractions. Well, not all distractions... but I've scaled back quite a bit! It feels like my heart is starting to beat once again.
I've been creating. I've learned to knit, read Alice in Wonderland, cleaned, painted part of a painting, spent some quality time with friends, and best of all prayed for some heart healing.
I believe we were all created to create, it's a natural function of communion with Christ. My problem is I wasn't spending time with God. It's not that I didn't, it's that I didn't want to. I wanted to live my life in the hurt and pain, and sometimes I wanted to feel better, but I didn't want to go the extra step and actually get some healing from God. I didn't, because that step was just too painful.
As I sat and learned to knit, my friend just listened to my brokenness and asked if we could pray. Giving the pain and hurt to God in a radical and simple way. I'm sure I would not have had the courage to give into the pain alone. The pain is just to difficult to touch, let alone dig. We started the deep process of surgery that night and again a few days later. I'm not done, not even close, yet I see some progress-- my heart is awakening. The healing is happening. My soul really does long for Christ's love and peace.
I'm open, I'm listening to the quiet, worshiping in his creation, and remembering what it really means to love life.
For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel just a glimmer of me.