Sigh

All is quiet in my house. Cole is sleeping, Caleb is off doing some heroic deed for someone and I am home. The fire is burning out and I am sitting here thinking about life. I sometimes get angry or frustrated over small things and wonder why. Why do i care. Why can't I just live and love. I want to. I want to not get stuck. I look back at the last year- the year that has changed all of my future. The year that has defined me and changed me in ways I do not know how to express. I sit here thinking about my almost 1 year old. The sleeping baby in the other room-- the one who just 1 year ago, i still didn't know. I think about all the years to come, just 17 more with him in my house. All the changes that will take place, in our family, my personal life, and hopefully my spiritual journey. I am nostalgic tonight. I am feeling a bit old, a bit like a person I once knew, yet grown up all of a sudden. I have worries I never thought I would have, and fights I never wanted to have. Heck, I dream of refinishing our hard wood floors-- if that doesn't speak grown up, I don't know what does. yet, inside of me, I'm just a kid. A kid who is searching for love, for acceptance, and approval. I am a kid who doesn't feel like I'm 'doing' life right. Like somehow I threw the manual of life away and can't get it back.
I want to have joy to have freedom from the worries and stresses. I want to find it in the small things. I think I do-sometimes- and then I think I totally forget it because I'm cleaning diapers again. Can I find joy in that? I guess so, Cole is a baby and I am blessed with him. I want to find joy in it all and stop being grumpy. This is my first step-- acknowledging it. I can't change or heal what I do not acknowledge. I can have joy and not just live-- but really live.